Fallen way too far too many times
And I can't even get back up again
There is nothing I could ever do
I am nothing, here. Unworthy to approach your feet.
But you make me worthy.
You look at me and see beauty and love.
you reach down and lift my face
clothe me in your righto=ousness
You look at me and see a precious jewel
You make me worthy
Two thousande years ago a sheperd in a feild
cast out by society and shamed
A baby came with power and might
but there was no throne for Him that night
He was born and in a manger He lay
He looks at us and sees beauty and love
He reaches down and lifts our face
He clotes us in righteousness
He looks at us and sees precious jewels
He makes us worthy
You humbeled yourself to raise me up
T there is nothing I could do to deserve your love
Reched, dispicable, unworthy is my heart
But so was the manger where you laid
You make me worthy,
You look at me and see beauty and love
You reach down and lift my face
You clothe me in righteousness
You look at me and see a precious jewel.
You make me worthy.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
I said no more pretending.... and now I mean it
Damn it! I am so freaking sick and tired of people acting like things are ok. BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT!!!!! Listen, I know people come from different families and have different backgrounds but I am tired of putting up with things. Cause some things HURT! I am tired of being that sweet little girl who can't actually feel anything. So here's the deal: I HURT. I'm not perfect, and sometimes the things that you say make me sick. Things like murdering a fish because he's a bully, insulting people in jest, or whatever. And the worst part about it. you act like it's all ok. Atleast fighting is real. It shows how you feel and you are forced to express all of it. You know, it's probally all just because I am a total freak but when you say something simple like shut up, you're not allowed to talk anymore I fight back, but inside I am dead. You just broke down my entire world. I don't want to be mean or a bully but you just cross the line. And then you claim to be my friend and don't even notice when I leave the room. And the worst part is I taught my brother how to do this. They cross the line so much because I never taught them where it was. I compensated for my own worthlessness by telling others they were worthless even in jest. And it HURTS. I've runined my baby brothers life because I used to be a jerk. and it just makes me SICK!!!!! The only thing that I have been able to muster up the tears to cry about in forever is a dumb fish who everyone is intent on murdering because he was a bully. And now I'm just mad! It makes me sick how society thinks that this is ok. That watching someone suffer is fun! Watching someone get annoyed is the highlight of the day. It's just simply being mean. AND I DO TAKE IT PERSONALLY!!!! It even says in the Bible that sarcasm is foolish and hurtful. and what you say makes me want to crawl up into a hole and die. Dude I am even feeling bad for Justin Beiber lately because while he isn't that great of a signer everyone just makes fun of him constantly.... and it's kind of just mean.
But the upside to this: atleast I am feeling again.
But the upside to this: atleast I am feeling again.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Everyone Just Needs to be Heard
Let's face it. When it all boils down, we all just want to be heard.
This realization struck me the other day when I was reading sixbillionsecrets.com. That's a site where you can just go and post whatever secret you happen to have, depressing or happy, without any judgement. The most "liked" secrets get posted. And the one thing I noticed there was the imense amount of people who just wanted to be heard.
I think that's why this world is overflowing with facebook, myspace, twitter, texting, and everything else inbetween. We all just wanted to be heard, noticed, and have a chance to be a part of a community or something bigger than ourselves. This is how God created us to be. But I think somewhere along the way we have all gotten lost. We are screaming for love and attention through eating disorders, depression, or a multitude of other things (including litterally SCREAMING for attention). Because this world tells us we are just a gear in a massive social system. Just a mass of cells arranged by chance for no real purpose. But that is simply not true.
God created you. He created you to love and to be loved. He created you beautiful. He created you with a specific purpose in mind. God has a plan for your life greater than you could ever imagine. God didn't create you to live an ordinary life. He created you to give everything you have to Him.
God gave you special ideas and a reason to be heard. Every moment in our lives, the good and the bad, God will work together for those who love Him. So be heard.
"Please don't change, don't be afraid, that you're not wanted here, cause you're wanted here. Don't fade away, and don't hide your face, and all the lonely tears will disapear. Maybe you can't see it but I can. You are someone's work of art, just the way you are. And you're shining like the stars tonight. All the peices of your heart, and all the lovely scars, are someone's work of art, are someone's work of art."
Facebook: I Hear Ministries
This realization struck me the other day when I was reading sixbillionsecrets.com. That's a site where you can just go and post whatever secret you happen to have, depressing or happy, without any judgement. The most "liked" secrets get posted. And the one thing I noticed there was the imense amount of people who just wanted to be heard.
I think that's why this world is overflowing with facebook, myspace, twitter, texting, and everything else inbetween. We all just wanted to be heard, noticed, and have a chance to be a part of a community or something bigger than ourselves. This is how God created us to be. But I think somewhere along the way we have all gotten lost. We are screaming for love and attention through eating disorders, depression, or a multitude of other things (including litterally SCREAMING for attention). Because this world tells us we are just a gear in a massive social system. Just a mass of cells arranged by chance for no real purpose. But that is simply not true.
God created you. He created you to love and to be loved. He created you beautiful. He created you with a specific purpose in mind. God has a plan for your life greater than you could ever imagine. God didn't create you to live an ordinary life. He created you to give everything you have to Him.
God gave you special ideas and a reason to be heard. Every moment in our lives, the good and the bad, God will work together for those who love Him. So be heard.
"Please don't change, don't be afraid, that you're not wanted here, cause you're wanted here. Don't fade away, and don't hide your face, and all the lonely tears will disapear. Maybe you can't see it but I can. You are someone's work of art, just the way you are. And you're shining like the stars tonight. All the peices of your heart, and all the lovely scars, are someone's work of art, are someone's work of art."
Facebook: I Hear Ministries
Friday, November 19, 2010
Daddy
I want to sit at your feet, drink from he cup in your hand, lay back against you and breathe, feel your heart beat. This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming.
I always loved this song. The idea of leaning back against God and hearing his heart beat. Any guy I have ever truly loved (My dad, brothers, even some friends) I have done this with simply as a pure form of love and the expression of it. If you are a girl (I would venture that this applies to guys as well but I am not one so I wouldn't know) you know what I mean. I really hope you have been blessed to have soeone in your life that can be that "Daddy" like portrayance of God to you.
Turns out this isn't just a modern deal, or even an unrealistic thing. The disciples even did this. The HOLY GOD allowed the disciples to lean up against him and hear his heart beat. It was a simple expression of love and connection. "One of them. the disciple whom Jesus loved, was reclining next to him. Simon Peter motioned to this disciple and said, 'Ask him which one he means'. Leaning back against Jesus, he asked Him, "Lord, who is it?"
This is the kind of relationship that the disciples had with God. Lately I have been struggling to not focus myself on only one aspect of God. I used to be so wrapped up in the love of God. And recently it has been the wrath and awesome might; when in reality it has to be all of those characteristics together. We have to realize what a mighty war we are in and how much God had to pay to win us back from the enemy. Because as we are born sinfully... Satan own us. It takes a high price, the price of a human life, to ransom any one of us. God faught long and hard for us. But God also loves us. In fact that's why he faught so hard. He loved us so much. He wanted us to have abundant life next to him.
I praise God that he has given me an earthly daddy who can begin to portray this concept to me and has all my life. God is that personal God. God is that righteous God. God is wrathful. But better... God is love.
I always loved this song. The idea of leaning back against God and hearing his heart beat. Any guy I have ever truly loved (My dad, brothers, even some friends) I have done this with simply as a pure form of love and the expression of it. If you are a girl (I would venture that this applies to guys as well but I am not one so I wouldn't know) you know what I mean. I really hope you have been blessed to have soeone in your life that can be that "Daddy" like portrayance of God to you.
Turns out this isn't just a modern deal, or even an unrealistic thing. The disciples even did this. The HOLY GOD allowed the disciples to lean up against him and hear his heart beat. It was a simple expression of love and connection. "One of them. the disciple whom Jesus loved, was reclining next to him. Simon Peter motioned to this disciple and said, 'Ask him which one he means'. Leaning back against Jesus, he asked Him, "Lord, who is it?"
This is the kind of relationship that the disciples had with God. Lately I have been struggling to not focus myself on only one aspect of God. I used to be so wrapped up in the love of God. And recently it has been the wrath and awesome might; when in reality it has to be all of those characteristics together. We have to realize what a mighty war we are in and how much God had to pay to win us back from the enemy. Because as we are born sinfully... Satan own us. It takes a high price, the price of a human life, to ransom any one of us. God faught long and hard for us. But God also loves us. In fact that's why he faught so hard. He loved us so much. He wanted us to have abundant life next to him.
I praise God that he has given me an earthly daddy who can begin to portray this concept to me and has all my life. God is that personal God. God is that righteous God. God is wrathful. But better... God is love.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Gods love never fails.... and it's the only one
So yesterday in my modern social problems we were talking about marriage... and divorce; which is a hard topic to avoid these days considering over half of all marriages end in divorce. It got me scared. The entire class was pretty much bagging on getting married saying that you are bound to fall out of love and have a miserable life. Then the class was asked to define love. It was funny watching them trying to scramble for words such as "sacrifice" and "trust". So I started to define love:
Patient
Kind
Not Envious
Not Boastful
Not proud
Honoring
Not Selfish
Slow to anger
No record of wrongs
Rejoices in the Truth
Protects
Trust
Hope
Perserverance
In short... this list is God. And it was provided to me from God in His word (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). Now in all honesty, I look at this list and am just a little bit intimidated. There is no way I can do all that. And I think that's where all the divorce comes in. We start out thinking we know what this whole love thing is about but in the end we come to realize that.... We as sinful humans don't have the capacity to love. We are simply... unable to love.
Then why on earth does God call us to love? And why would God form an institution that relies on love? Because God is LOVE. And if something relies on love, then in reality it relies on God. A friend of mine put it this way, "I love you so much, but none of that is on my own. In my own I have no capacity to love you. I have no capacity to accept your faults and mistakes. If it were up to me I would hold them against you. But I have GOD's love to fill me. I am possessed by God's love and am able to love you through that. And the mere fraction of God's love I can love you with is so much smaller that the fullness of the love that God has for you."
While she wasn't talking about marriage, I am fairly sure the principle applies there as well. ONLY GOD'S LOVE NEVER FAILS. When I say love never fails it means that God never fails. There is nothing that God's love can't do. Sure... if left to our own devices, divorce is a garentee, falling out of love is a garentee. But that is because they aren't understanding the true meaning of love.
So yeah... I'm not married and have no plans on being married soon but class kind of shook me up last night and I had to turn to God's word to fix it. And I decided to share that with you
Patient
Kind
Not Envious
Not Boastful
Not proud
Honoring
Not Selfish
Slow to anger
No record of wrongs
Rejoices in the Truth
Protects
Trust
Hope
Perserverance
In short... this list is God. And it was provided to me from God in His word (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). Now in all honesty, I look at this list and am just a little bit intimidated. There is no way I can do all that. And I think that's where all the divorce comes in. We start out thinking we know what this whole love thing is about but in the end we come to realize that.... We as sinful humans don't have the capacity to love. We are simply... unable to love.
Then why on earth does God call us to love? And why would God form an institution that relies on love? Because God is LOVE. And if something relies on love, then in reality it relies on God. A friend of mine put it this way, "I love you so much, but none of that is on my own. In my own I have no capacity to love you. I have no capacity to accept your faults and mistakes. If it were up to me I would hold them against you. But I have GOD's love to fill me. I am possessed by God's love and am able to love you through that. And the mere fraction of God's love I can love you with is so much smaller that the fullness of the love that God has for you."
While she wasn't talking about marriage, I am fairly sure the principle applies there as well. ONLY GOD'S LOVE NEVER FAILS. When I say love never fails it means that God never fails. There is nothing that God's love can't do. Sure... if left to our own devices, divorce is a garentee, falling out of love is a garentee. But that is because they aren't understanding the true meaning of love.
So yeah... I'm not married and have no plans on being married soon but class kind of shook me up last night and I had to turn to God's word to fix it. And I decided to share that with you
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Scars on My Arm: The Truth about Self-Destruction
If you were to look closely at my wrist you would see two old scars… and two fairly new ones. You would also see a few carefully penned letters. As you backed up you could begin to see a word appear. That word is Grace. This is my word. Grace is pretty much a combination of getting something that you don’t deserve and not getting something that you do deserve. That is my life. When you look at my life it is pretty obvious to see what I deserve. I deserve bondage, suffering, and ultimately death. When it comes down to it… that’s what we all deserve. I mean when was the last time you took a look at the Ten Commandments? Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” I mean if you want my whole sin list , I can give it to you but as far as the Bible is concerned. We are all in the same boat. So it doesn’t matter what I have done, or what you have done; this life is a pass or fail course and we have all failed.
This is where grace comes in. We have already established what I deserve. I deserve death. Romans 6:23 says , “For the wages of sin is death…” So where is the grace there? Well here is the second part of the verse, “… BUT the GIFT of GOD is eternal LIFE in CHRIST JESUS.” It’s like being three trillion dollars in debt and having someone hand you a hundred trillion dollars. Not only do you not get the debt that you do deserve but you get so much more. But honestly…I HATE talking about Christ’s gift in terms of money. The fact is…. There is an amazing God who loves you no matter what. I want you to think of any love anyone has ever had for you. Whether it was temporary or long term, intense or weak. Now I want you add all that love together, and multiply it by 100. That is less than .0000000000001% of God’s love for you. And the best part: NOTHING you could ever do or could have ever done could ever give you less love, or more love for that matter. You are loved extremely and all you have to do is let God love you.
Now here is the main part of the blog. Yeah I know, but those last two paragraphs were just kind of an introduction. But if you don’t have the foundation you can’t put up the walls. I want you to think back about my wrist. There were two old scars… but there are also two newer ones. Those scars were even made over a word that once read “Loved”. Now I know I have probably confused you by now. You are probably wondering all about that God’s love stuff and how it was supposed to make everything better. And it does make everything better…but not in the same way you would think. You are still you, with all your same destructive tendencies. And realizing that Jesus loves you does not make you a better person overnight.
I have heard from several people, and I have even thought so myself, that they are afraid of “self-destructing”. That is basically the idea that I am going to become a “Christian” and then screw up a few months down the line and fail. And in reality…. This ALWAYS happens. Self destruction is a part of being human. As long as we are human we are imperfect and are going to screw up. We are going to fall back. But here is the beautiful part. God love doesn’t end there. God’s love NEVER ends. Ephesians 3:17-19 says “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with al the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, And to know that his love surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
Screwing up does NOT cancel God’s love for us. If you are a musical person like me, this song will speak to you to. Tenth Avenue North puts it this way. “So let’s not pretend, stop your parade. Trying to convince me that you’re alright and everything’s ok. Yeah, Do you even know me? Cause I already know who you are and all the things that kept us apart. So reach in and touch my scars and KNOW the price I paid for your heart. And it’s not enough, it’s not enough just to say that you’re ok. I need your heart and I need your pain. It’s not love any other way. “
It’s not true love if God doesn’t love us through our mistakes. God needs our hurt and our pain. You will never fully understand God’s love unless you hand all of yourself over to God. Honestly there is nothing you could do to stop God’s love for you. And that’s the beautiful part of it.
When God looks at my arm he sees something more than I could ever imagine. He sees something beautiful. He sees his son who covers all of my sins, past present and future. He sees something that he loves. Sixteen Cities sums it up in a song, “All the pieces of your heart, and all the lovely scars, are someone’s work of art.” We are God’s masterpiece and He loves His crazy works in progress.
This is where grace comes in. We have already established what I deserve. I deserve death. Romans 6:23 says , “For the wages of sin is death…” So where is the grace there? Well here is the second part of the verse, “… BUT the GIFT of GOD is eternal LIFE in CHRIST JESUS.” It’s like being three trillion dollars in debt and having someone hand you a hundred trillion dollars. Not only do you not get the debt that you do deserve but you get so much more. But honestly…I HATE talking about Christ’s gift in terms of money. The fact is…. There is an amazing God who loves you no matter what. I want you to think of any love anyone has ever had for you. Whether it was temporary or long term, intense or weak. Now I want you add all that love together, and multiply it by 100. That is less than .0000000000001% of God’s love for you. And the best part: NOTHING you could ever do or could have ever done could ever give you less love, or more love for that matter. You are loved extremely and all you have to do is let God love you.
Now here is the main part of the blog. Yeah I know, but those last two paragraphs were just kind of an introduction. But if you don’t have the foundation you can’t put up the walls. I want you to think back about my wrist. There were two old scars… but there are also two newer ones. Those scars were even made over a word that once read “Loved”. Now I know I have probably confused you by now. You are probably wondering all about that God’s love stuff and how it was supposed to make everything better. And it does make everything better…but not in the same way you would think. You are still you, with all your same destructive tendencies. And realizing that Jesus loves you does not make you a better person overnight.
I have heard from several people, and I have even thought so myself, that they are afraid of “self-destructing”. That is basically the idea that I am going to become a “Christian” and then screw up a few months down the line and fail. And in reality…. This ALWAYS happens. Self destruction is a part of being human. As long as we are human we are imperfect and are going to screw up. We are going to fall back. But here is the beautiful part. God love doesn’t end there. God’s love NEVER ends. Ephesians 3:17-19 says “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with al the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, And to know that his love surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
Screwing up does NOT cancel God’s love for us. If you are a musical person like me, this song will speak to you to. Tenth Avenue North puts it this way. “So let’s not pretend, stop your parade. Trying to convince me that you’re alright and everything’s ok. Yeah, Do you even know me? Cause I already know who you are and all the things that kept us apart. So reach in and touch my scars and KNOW the price I paid for your heart. And it’s not enough, it’s not enough just to say that you’re ok. I need your heart and I need your pain. It’s not love any other way. “
It’s not true love if God doesn’t love us through our mistakes. God needs our hurt and our pain. You will never fully understand God’s love unless you hand all of yourself over to God. Honestly there is nothing you could do to stop God’s love for you. And that’s the beautiful part of it.
When God looks at my arm he sees something more than I could ever imagine. He sees something beautiful. He sees his son who covers all of my sins, past present and future. He sees something that he loves. Sixteen Cities sums it up in a song, “All the pieces of your heart, and all the lovely scars, are someone’s work of art.” We are God’s masterpiece and He loves His crazy works in progress.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Growing Up
It's only on nights like tonight that I realize how young I really am. :) How is it that I can be so small and insignifigant but still have a God who loves me so much. It's really funny because I'll talk myself into a rut and begin to believe that I am nothing. I start thinking that I have so many issues and could never even be a good friend, never mind a good anything else. And I just talk myself down deeper and deeper. But then I smack myself and realize that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me. It doesn't even matter what I think of me. It hardly matters if I walk around this life alone because no one wants a broken person... because God does. And that is enough. God put so much effort and love into me. Even if no one thinks I am fit for ministry or anything.... God has a plan for my life. And the truth is I am not really fit for anything. But God made me just the way I am and loves me with more love than I could ever imagine. I don't know if I'll ever feel "grown up" or self secure but I always know that my Abba's arms are opened wide for me. And I guess that's all that ever really mattered.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Well... I never thought that God would work this out.
So I was looking back on my life today and was thinking about my plans.... and how I got to where I am. We've all been through school and have been told that planning is key. You are supposed to set goals and work until you acheive them. Seems like pretty basic logic right? That is how all the sucsessful people do it. Without goals you get nowhere. Right?
Well I would beg to differ. Not that plans aren't good but.... well I guess all I can do is show you what I mean. Let's rewind back to my freshman year of high school. My plan: Get into the top ten of my class. Graduate Leicester High School (that's in Massachusetts by the way, where I currently went) Go to a local college (there are several GOOD schools in New England) on a full-ride scholarship, get a Bachelors in Elementary Education and English in the standard four years and spend my life as a teacher and children's author. I had a plan, I had steps set to achieve that plan. It was a good plan and everyone praised me for being so well planned. Well if you have kept any track of me since my freshman year.... you would know that that plan.... didn't happen.
At the end of my freshman year I was informed that I was moving to a state I had honestly heard of about once in my life. A little place called Utah. I knew nothing about the people or anything. I just knew that my parents were tearing me away from my ten year plan and my life. To top everything off my father said we were moving because "God said so". Which is not what any 14 year old wants to hear. I was in no way appreciative of our move. Worst of all, when I got to high school I realized that it was full of hicks and had incredibly dull acedmics which was very different from my almost private school level of education I had recieved in Massachusetts. This school would mean nothing to big name colleges or anything halfway decent. My plan was ruined. God pretty much screwed me over or so it seemed at the time.
Another plan that I had formulated during my time in Massachusetts was one of attending the Honor Academy for a year sometime before, during or after my college expeirience. This one year internship with Teen Mania Ministries was first presented to me at an Aquire the Fire in Amhearst, MA. I was very excited to participate and attend. Over the years this dream also died. It was too expensive, too far away, I even went to volunteer for a few weeks one summer and God refused to even provide the plane fair. I had to use money I had saved from working all summer. Needless to say, no matter how hard I tried, God just seriously slammed that door.
So now that we are here, you may think that this God of mine is simply a dream killer. And to that I say... kind of. You see it's very complicated. But please read on. There is a Barlow Girl song called Surrender. Here are some of the lyrics:
My hands hold safely to my dreams. Cluthcing so tightly not one has fallen. So many years I've shaped each one, reflecting my heart, showing who I am. Now you're asking me to show what I'm holding oh so tightly, can't open my hands can't let go. Does it matter? Should I show you? Can't you let me go?
This is the point in my life where I was. This was me. This is everything I was. But I wasn't ready to surrender them over to God. Ok, so you need to realize one thing about me, If you mixed the stubborness of a donkey and a three year old; you get me. I don't give up, which in some ways is a strength, and in others is a terrible weakness. So God took my dreams from me. God broke me down to nothing. He said no. I didn't get my dreams. And for a long time nothing really seemed to work out. But I want to turn your attention to a certain verse... which is basically my life story.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." and it turns out that those plans are better than any plan you could have imagined.
As far as my college plans go... God worked those out better than I ever could have. Right now I am a junior in college. I achieved my associates degree while in high school through a free program. Not only did this give me a free degree, but provided me with the academic excellence I wanted that my high school in Utah could not provide. I was challenged and had fun getting a degree with some of the best people in the world. After my associates degree I continued at Utah Valley University where I am now, working on a Bachelors Degree in Social Work. But that isn't even where God wanted me to end up.
Now let's go to the Honor Academy part. I know that I wanted to serve God. I know that I wanted to to do some sort of service. I planned that out several times. I wanted to go on missions trips (several happened sucsessfully, a few didn't), go to Bible college, or intern someplace like MA or TX. I tried several routs with several good ministries but nothign worked. God just said no to all of them. Now I would like to tell you my story. This is what God litterally put into my hands.
My family made another move just about a month ago. This time we only moved an hour from our last home to an area fondly known of by Sanpetians as "up north". Around here it is known as "the city" but to my friends from Massachusetts it is much more like a basic town (think Oxford or Sturbridge). Anyway, I was struggling up here. I have a job, a car, and am goign to school. But... well it all started my last semester of senior year. I was trying to decide where to go to college and nothing quite felt right. So I ended up going to UVU. It's a nice school and I like my classes, but it never really felt right. It never felt like I was doing what God wanted me to do.
On one of my several trips back to my Sanpete home a friend talked to me about one of few Bachelors degrees offered on the Snow College Campus. Turns out... the major pretty much sounds like EXACTLY what I want to do. Even more than social work. After a few meetings, I decided to move back home and go to school there.
Now here is the awesome part. While talking to a wonderful woman who works in the college ministry there I inquired about housing and she offered me an internship (all though I would like to make it clear that my application still needs to be reviewed and prayed over by all leaders of this ministry before I can be accepted. While currently I belive that this is an amazing thing that God placed into my hands, there is still the chance I may be denied, which again would be God's will). I am incredibly excited at this prospect. I have been searching for the right place all my life and God just handed me an oppurtunity. This is the first time in my life it feels right. Now I knwo that God is not about a feeling but when the feeling is combined with impecable logic, there is nothing quite like it.
Basically.... God has better plans than you do. ALWAYS. So I have learned to scratch plans and just live in God's will. He will provide. He wants to give you something better than you could have imagined. He is already doing that in my life.... and I can't wait to see Him do it again and again.
Thanks you JESUS! :D
Well I would beg to differ. Not that plans aren't good but.... well I guess all I can do is show you what I mean. Let's rewind back to my freshman year of high school. My plan: Get into the top ten of my class. Graduate Leicester High School (that's in Massachusetts by the way, where I currently went) Go to a local college (there are several GOOD schools in New England) on a full-ride scholarship, get a Bachelors in Elementary Education and English in the standard four years and spend my life as a teacher and children's author. I had a plan, I had steps set to achieve that plan. It was a good plan and everyone praised me for being so well planned. Well if you have kept any track of me since my freshman year.... you would know that that plan.... didn't happen.
At the end of my freshman year I was informed that I was moving to a state I had honestly heard of about once in my life. A little place called Utah. I knew nothing about the people or anything. I just knew that my parents were tearing me away from my ten year plan and my life. To top everything off my father said we were moving because "God said so". Which is not what any 14 year old wants to hear. I was in no way appreciative of our move. Worst of all, when I got to high school I realized that it was full of hicks and had incredibly dull acedmics which was very different from my almost private school level of education I had recieved in Massachusetts. This school would mean nothing to big name colleges or anything halfway decent. My plan was ruined. God pretty much screwed me over or so it seemed at the time.
Another plan that I had formulated during my time in Massachusetts was one of attending the Honor Academy for a year sometime before, during or after my college expeirience. This one year internship with Teen Mania Ministries was first presented to me at an Aquire the Fire in Amhearst, MA. I was very excited to participate and attend. Over the years this dream also died. It was too expensive, too far away, I even went to volunteer for a few weeks one summer and God refused to even provide the plane fair. I had to use money I had saved from working all summer. Needless to say, no matter how hard I tried, God just seriously slammed that door.
So now that we are here, you may think that this God of mine is simply a dream killer. And to that I say... kind of. You see it's very complicated. But please read on. There is a Barlow Girl song called Surrender. Here are some of the lyrics:
My hands hold safely to my dreams. Cluthcing so tightly not one has fallen. So many years I've shaped each one, reflecting my heart, showing who I am. Now you're asking me to show what I'm holding oh so tightly, can't open my hands can't let go. Does it matter? Should I show you? Can't you let me go?
This is the point in my life where I was. This was me. This is everything I was. But I wasn't ready to surrender them over to God. Ok, so you need to realize one thing about me, If you mixed the stubborness of a donkey and a three year old; you get me. I don't give up, which in some ways is a strength, and in others is a terrible weakness. So God took my dreams from me. God broke me down to nothing. He said no. I didn't get my dreams. And for a long time nothing really seemed to work out. But I want to turn your attention to a certain verse... which is basically my life story.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." and it turns out that those plans are better than any plan you could have imagined.
As far as my college plans go... God worked those out better than I ever could have. Right now I am a junior in college. I achieved my associates degree while in high school through a free program. Not only did this give me a free degree, but provided me with the academic excellence I wanted that my high school in Utah could not provide. I was challenged and had fun getting a degree with some of the best people in the world. After my associates degree I continued at Utah Valley University where I am now, working on a Bachelors Degree in Social Work. But that isn't even where God wanted me to end up.
Now let's go to the Honor Academy part. I know that I wanted to serve God. I know that I wanted to to do some sort of service. I planned that out several times. I wanted to go on missions trips (several happened sucsessfully, a few didn't), go to Bible college, or intern someplace like MA or TX. I tried several routs with several good ministries but nothign worked. God just said no to all of them. Now I would like to tell you my story. This is what God litterally put into my hands.
My family made another move just about a month ago. This time we only moved an hour from our last home to an area fondly known of by Sanpetians as "up north". Around here it is known as "the city" but to my friends from Massachusetts it is much more like a basic town (think Oxford or Sturbridge). Anyway, I was struggling up here. I have a job, a car, and am goign to school. But... well it all started my last semester of senior year. I was trying to decide where to go to college and nothing quite felt right. So I ended up going to UVU. It's a nice school and I like my classes, but it never really felt right. It never felt like I was doing what God wanted me to do.
On one of my several trips back to my Sanpete home a friend talked to me about one of few Bachelors degrees offered on the Snow College Campus. Turns out... the major pretty much sounds like EXACTLY what I want to do. Even more than social work. After a few meetings, I decided to move back home and go to school there.
Now here is the awesome part. While talking to a wonderful woman who works in the college ministry there I inquired about housing and she offered me an internship (all though I would like to make it clear that my application still needs to be reviewed and prayed over by all leaders of this ministry before I can be accepted. While currently I belive that this is an amazing thing that God placed into my hands, there is still the chance I may be denied, which again would be God's will). I am incredibly excited at this prospect. I have been searching for the right place all my life and God just handed me an oppurtunity. This is the first time in my life it feels right. Now I knwo that God is not about a feeling but when the feeling is combined with impecable logic, there is nothing quite like it.
Basically.... God has better plans than you do. ALWAYS. So I have learned to scratch plans and just live in God's will. He will provide. He wants to give you something better than you could have imagined. He is already doing that in my life.... and I can't wait to see Him do it again and again.
Thanks you JESUS! :D
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Many Hats
"'Many people will try to give you hats in life. But none of them will fit. They will only make you weary and tired. But the hat I will make for you will fit perfectly. All you have to do is ask.' said the Father."~"A Hat for Ivan" by Max Lucado.
Last night at stayed at the Zedicher's house (for those who don't know my semi current/semi previous pastor's family. They have five little girls and one baby boy). The girls were getting ready for bed so Hannah picked out a story and I read it to all the girls. I read "A Hat for Ivan" by Max Lucado. And as with most children's books I am fairly sure I got way more out of it than any of the girls. The story is about hats, basically the idea of a hat being a job or an identitiy. A young boy was about to get his hat and he was so excited. But on the day he was supposed to get his hat, he actually recieved several hats from many different people. Everyone had a dream for his life. By the end of the day he was simply trying to please everyone by wearing thier hat when he would see them. Worst of all, none of them fit, and he had no idea what hat to wear. They all just made him tired.
This is pretty much my life right now. I am 18. Pretty much the time in your life where you have to "chose a hat". Everyone is handing me thier hat. I am even trying on every hat I can find trying to grab on to what I think is a possible goal for me. But here is the truth. None of them fit. I know that the education I am recieving will help me in the future but honestly... I don't think that it is my hat.
At this point in the story both Ivan and I are so tired. He is constantly changing hats and I am contantly switching majors in my mind. At this point Ivan runs to his father, "The Hatmaker". His father just gives a slight chuckle when he sees Ivan with so many hats. Ivan pours his heart out to his Father and his Father says, "I know that none of the hats fit you. I have a special hat just for you. All you have to do is ask."
Basically all I have to do is ask. God is creating a special "hat" for me with all of my experiences, loves, desires, and even stress tolerances in mind. And thankfully I have been given a glimpse of that hat. God has given me a desire and what I think are the skills to handle it. Unfortunatly it is not a hat I can get for myself. It is not one I can go to college for or anything but here is the deal:
"I know the plans I have for you declares the LORD. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11
God knows the plans that He has for me. He has very specific plans in mind for me. God wants the best for me and he will give me it. If I follow God and trust him for my hat, no matter how many are thrust at me in the next coming years, He will give me a hat that fits better than I could ever imagine. All I have to do is ask, and wait on Him. God has perfect timing and a perfect plan.
Last night at stayed at the Zedicher's house (for those who don't know my semi current/semi previous pastor's family. They have five little girls and one baby boy). The girls were getting ready for bed so Hannah picked out a story and I read it to all the girls. I read "A Hat for Ivan" by Max Lucado. And as with most children's books I am fairly sure I got way more out of it than any of the girls. The story is about hats, basically the idea of a hat being a job or an identitiy. A young boy was about to get his hat and he was so excited. But on the day he was supposed to get his hat, he actually recieved several hats from many different people. Everyone had a dream for his life. By the end of the day he was simply trying to please everyone by wearing thier hat when he would see them. Worst of all, none of them fit, and he had no idea what hat to wear. They all just made him tired.
This is pretty much my life right now. I am 18. Pretty much the time in your life where you have to "chose a hat". Everyone is handing me thier hat. I am even trying on every hat I can find trying to grab on to what I think is a possible goal for me. But here is the truth. None of them fit. I know that the education I am recieving will help me in the future but honestly... I don't think that it is my hat.
At this point in the story both Ivan and I are so tired. He is constantly changing hats and I am contantly switching majors in my mind. At this point Ivan runs to his father, "The Hatmaker". His father just gives a slight chuckle when he sees Ivan with so many hats. Ivan pours his heart out to his Father and his Father says, "I know that none of the hats fit you. I have a special hat just for you. All you have to do is ask."
Basically all I have to do is ask. God is creating a special "hat" for me with all of my experiences, loves, desires, and even stress tolerances in mind. And thankfully I have been given a glimpse of that hat. God has given me a desire and what I think are the skills to handle it. Unfortunatly it is not a hat I can get for myself. It is not one I can go to college for or anything but here is the deal:
"I know the plans I have for you declares the LORD. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11
God knows the plans that He has for me. He has very specific plans in mind for me. God wants the best for me and he will give me it. If I follow God and trust him for my hat, no matter how many are thrust at me in the next coming years, He will give me a hat that fits better than I could ever imagine. All I have to do is ask, and wait on Him. God has perfect timing and a perfect plan.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I Hear
Tonight God gave me a vision. Ok, I know that that sounds stupid. In fact this whole thing might sound silly to you. Or whatever, it might even be. I don't know how to do any of it. But God has given me a vision for what I can do. And I know that He will guide me each step of the way.
So here is the vision. I Hear Ministries. Have you guys heard "Does anybody hear her" by Casting Crowns? Well that song has impacted me so much since it was first recorded and put on Casting Crowns' first CD. Just incase you haven't look it up on Youtube to refresh your memory. Anyway this song is the story of a lost and broken girl. She is running far away from God and she is running fast. She isn't trying to but she doesn't know how to not run and her heart is breaking. All she wants is to be loved. But she can't seem to find it.
This song poses the question, Does anybody hear her? And that got me thinking, Does anyone hear her? I have been all across America and have had the opportunity to meet hundreds of amazing young women who have even grown up going to church and are the stereotypical good kids. These girls have struggled with drugs, drinking, eating disorders, depression, cutting, fooling around with guys, pregnancies (which is in no way a negative thing but can be devastating if in the wrong timing), abortions, and litterally everything else inbetween. Have you heard these beautiful girls?
All of this stems from a total feeling of inadequacy. Whether they want to admit it or not... we do all of those things to try to prove that we are worth something, or to reinforce our belief that we are not. Often times these girls are in the church. They go to church every sunday and they have heard all about Jesus, but they have never really seen someone live for Him. These girls are "under the shadow of our steeples, with all the lost and lonley people searching for the hope that is TUCKED AWAY in you and me"
I have been where these girls are. Ocassionally I even slip back. But I was shown God in a real way, and unfortunately it took me until I was 13 and in Peru, surrounded by a bunch of teenagers who were on fire for God. Their hope was not tucked away, it was right out in the open for me to see.
There is a beautiful song called "Scream" by Zoegirl. It talks about a very real struggle to be heard that I know I have had and I believe several other girls deal with. I want to show them God's love in a very realistic way.
So that is the vision. I have no idea how it is going to take shape. But starting now, this is what God has place in my heart. I believe that God makes everything happen for a reason, including our struggles, our pains, our heartaches, and our joys. Currently I am a social work major in college about a year and a half away from my bachelors. God kind of made me accidenlty stumble upon that. I wanted to be an English major. I know that God has given me a vision for a reason and HE will lead me to what I need to do. So please be praying and comment with what you think about the vision.
I Hear ministries is all about letting girls know, I hear what you are going through... and better yet GOD hears and loves you more than anything.
So here is the vision. I Hear Ministries. Have you guys heard "Does anybody hear her" by Casting Crowns? Well that song has impacted me so much since it was first recorded and put on Casting Crowns' first CD. Just incase you haven't look it up on Youtube to refresh your memory. Anyway this song is the story of a lost and broken girl. She is running far away from God and she is running fast. She isn't trying to but she doesn't know how to not run and her heart is breaking. All she wants is to be loved. But she can't seem to find it.
This song poses the question, Does anybody hear her? And that got me thinking, Does anyone hear her? I have been all across America and have had the opportunity to meet hundreds of amazing young women who have even grown up going to church and are the stereotypical good kids. These girls have struggled with drugs, drinking, eating disorders, depression, cutting, fooling around with guys, pregnancies (which is in no way a negative thing but can be devastating if in the wrong timing), abortions, and litterally everything else inbetween. Have you heard these beautiful girls?
All of this stems from a total feeling of inadequacy. Whether they want to admit it or not... we do all of those things to try to prove that we are worth something, or to reinforce our belief that we are not. Often times these girls are in the church. They go to church every sunday and they have heard all about Jesus, but they have never really seen someone live for Him. These girls are "under the shadow of our steeples, with all the lost and lonley people searching for the hope that is TUCKED AWAY in you and me"
I have been where these girls are. Ocassionally I even slip back. But I was shown God in a real way, and unfortunately it took me until I was 13 and in Peru, surrounded by a bunch of teenagers who were on fire for God. Their hope was not tucked away, it was right out in the open for me to see.
There is a beautiful song called "Scream" by Zoegirl. It talks about a very real struggle to be heard that I know I have had and I believe several other girls deal with. I want to show them God's love in a very realistic way.
So that is the vision. I have no idea how it is going to take shape. But starting now, this is what God has place in my heart. I believe that God makes everything happen for a reason, including our struggles, our pains, our heartaches, and our joys. Currently I am a social work major in college about a year and a half away from my bachelors. God kind of made me accidenlty stumble upon that. I wanted to be an English major. I know that God has given me a vision for a reason and HE will lead me to what I need to do. So please be praying and comment with what you think about the vision.
I Hear ministries is all about letting girls know, I hear what you are going through... and better yet GOD hears and loves you more than anything.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
My Purity Ring: Not what it seems
Everyone knows what the basic purity ring means. It means that you "promise" that you won't have sex until marriage. It is used in just about every youth group across America and portrayed in several TV shows as a weak and prude symbol that most kids just end up breaking anyway. While my ring does fufill this basic purpose, that is not its main function.
I have a silver band that I wear on my right ring finger. In the middle it has a cross with a (REALLY FAKE) diamond like stone in the middle. Around the ring it says "God's love never fails (1 Cor 13:4-8)". Those verses read, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices when the truth wins out. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perserveres. Love never fails."
To me this ring means something very special. It means that I am worth it. Now this may sound cocky to some or you might be tempted to bring up that Paul said that we are basically lower than dirt but I think that you need to understand my background for this to work. Over my lifetime I have stuggled with depression, self harm, eating disorders (hard to believe, I know), perpetual dating, and others because I didn't think I was good enough.
NOTE: I know that putting all this on the internet could come back to haunt me. But I pray that any employer or whatever who happens to find this will realize that I am a human with faults. But God is changing my heart every day and I strongly believe that if we share our struggles and what HE has done in our lives, it will change other people's lives for the better as well.
When I look down at my ring it reminds me of what Christ did for ME. I know that for me and several other people, Satan has actually twisted God's word into reading, "For God so loved the world (except me), that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever (except me) believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." Things got so bad that I thought that life wasn't worth living, that no one wanted me. No matter who showed me love, Satan would just whisper in my ear that they were only loving me for my works, not for who I was. And that I would never be good enough. This is my background. This is why believing I am worth something is so... well... EPIC! :D I remember the first night I started to believe this at all when the Holy Spirit worked through a dear friend of mine and a text message. It read;
"Well I can tell you that all the love that God poured into the sacrifiice of His son was for you Victoria Anne Egan. I can also tell you that even as Jesus was being nailed to the cross He was thinking of going to prepare a place for you Victoria Anne Egan so that you could be with Him for all eternity so that no matter what Satan did you could never be taken from Him."
This was the turning point. The myth that I had believed was spelled out, right there in front of me. From that point on an epic battle was waged. The lies Satan was feeding me v.s. the Truth of Jesus Christ. I am incredibly thankful to inform you that the truth has won out. It took some time and some fighting, but the truth ALWAYS wins out eventually.
So after a long epic battle (if you want to know that story I would love to tell you) I came to my purity ring. Purity actually means, "free from sin or guilt, innocence." I want to be free from guilt but mostly I want to be innocent. I want to be restored. Reminds me fo song lyrics:
"I want to be innocent, your's wholeheartedly. Innocent, every part of me. Take me back so I can see the way that love was meant to be."
That pretty much says it all. God pleast take me back so I can see the way that love was meant to be. That started with the fact that GOD LOVES ME! God created me and loves me. There is nothing I could do to change that. End of story.
So when I look down at my ring it reminds me of the innocence I strive for. The idea that God loves me and that He has amazing plans for me. It reminds me that I am better. Not so much better, but loved by one who wants to best for me and would be so sad if I didn't wait on Him. So when I look down at that ring it says, "You are beautiful. I made you and I love you. You are a precious temple of God and don't mutilate that. Don't desecrate yourself. You do not need the love of a passing guy to make you whole. I make you whole. And I will provide you everything you need and desire in MY time."
So that's the story of my purity ring. It might be a little unconventional but whatever, since when have I been your average person? (I just got a really strong desire to say your average bear right then :)) I thought about it because my friend saw the ring and asked if it had any special meaning and I guess this blog answers it. :)
I have a silver band that I wear on my right ring finger. In the middle it has a cross with a (REALLY FAKE) diamond like stone in the middle. Around the ring it says "God's love never fails (1 Cor 13:4-8)". Those verses read, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices when the truth wins out. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perserveres. Love never fails."
To me this ring means something very special. It means that I am worth it. Now this may sound cocky to some or you might be tempted to bring up that Paul said that we are basically lower than dirt but I think that you need to understand my background for this to work. Over my lifetime I have stuggled with depression, self harm, eating disorders (hard to believe, I know), perpetual dating, and others because I didn't think I was good enough.
NOTE: I know that putting all this on the internet could come back to haunt me. But I pray that any employer or whatever who happens to find this will realize that I am a human with faults. But God is changing my heart every day and I strongly believe that if we share our struggles and what HE has done in our lives, it will change other people's lives for the better as well.
When I look down at my ring it reminds me of what Christ did for ME. I know that for me and several other people, Satan has actually twisted God's word into reading, "For God so loved the world (except me), that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever (except me) believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." Things got so bad that I thought that life wasn't worth living, that no one wanted me. No matter who showed me love, Satan would just whisper in my ear that they were only loving me for my works, not for who I was. And that I would never be good enough. This is my background. This is why believing I am worth something is so... well... EPIC! :D I remember the first night I started to believe this at all when the Holy Spirit worked through a dear friend of mine and a text message. It read;
"Well I can tell you that all the love that God poured into the sacrifiice of His son was for you Victoria Anne Egan. I can also tell you that even as Jesus was being nailed to the cross He was thinking of going to prepare a place for you Victoria Anne Egan so that you could be with Him for all eternity so that no matter what Satan did you could never be taken from Him."
This was the turning point. The myth that I had believed was spelled out, right there in front of me. From that point on an epic battle was waged. The lies Satan was feeding me v.s. the Truth of Jesus Christ. I am incredibly thankful to inform you that the truth has won out. It took some time and some fighting, but the truth ALWAYS wins out eventually.
So after a long epic battle (if you want to know that story I would love to tell you) I came to my purity ring. Purity actually means, "free from sin or guilt, innocence." I want to be free from guilt but mostly I want to be innocent. I want to be restored. Reminds me fo song lyrics:
"I want to be innocent, your's wholeheartedly. Innocent, every part of me. Take me back so I can see the way that love was meant to be."
That pretty much says it all. God pleast take me back so I can see the way that love was meant to be. That started with the fact that GOD LOVES ME! God created me and loves me. There is nothing I could do to change that. End of story.
So when I look down at my ring it reminds me of the innocence I strive for. The idea that God loves me and that He has amazing plans for me. It reminds me that I am better. Not so much better, but loved by one who wants to best for me and would be so sad if I didn't wait on Him. So when I look down at that ring it says, "You are beautiful. I made you and I love you. You are a precious temple of God and don't mutilate that. Don't desecrate yourself. You do not need the love of a passing guy to make you whole. I make you whole. And I will provide you everything you need and desire in MY time."
So that's the story of my purity ring. It might be a little unconventional but whatever, since when have I been your average person? (I just got a really strong desire to say your average bear right then :)) I thought about it because my friend saw the ring and asked if it had any special meaning and I guess this blog answers it. :)
Monday, September 27, 2010
This is my prayer to you, God.
To you I give my life, not just the parts I want to. To you I sacrifice these dreams that I hold onto. Your thoughts are higher than mine. Your words are deeper than mine. Your love is stronger than mine. This is no sacrifice; Here's my life. To you I give the gifts your love has given me. How can I hoard the treasure that you designed for free? Because your thoughts are higher than mine. Your words are deeper than mine. Your love is stronger than mine. This is no sacrifice; here's my life. To you I give my future, as long as it may last. To you I give my present. To you I give my past. Because your thoughts are higher than mine. Your words are deeper than mine. Your love is stronger than mine. Your thoughts are higher than mine. Your words are deeper than mine. Your love is stronger than mine. This is no sacrifice. Here's my life.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
The Wedding That Changed My Life
I know this sounds really weird. No, it was not my secret wedding. Infact I didn't even know the people who were getting married. But God used it to answer all my questions. So in the interest of being 100% real and transparent with all of you, here is the story:
Dear Adam and Elya (a.k.a. Mr. and Mrs. Mckinley)
I know that you guys don't know me and I don't really know you. But I went to your wedding this past Saturday (My Aunt is Rita Vega and she knew EVERYONE at the wedding) and it really changed and effected my lfie. I know that you are both very strong in the Lord and desire to tell and show others about Him and that is what you did, even through your wedding. So even though this is a little... different... I thought you guys would like to know.
All throughout my life I have wondered what makes me worth waiting for. It wasn't until my time in Texas with Teen Mania Ministries and some time with a few friends that I realized who I was in God's eyes. But lately the world has been creeping in and I have simply been wondering what it is that God wants for me. One of my dearest friends said that he didn't want to kiss anyone until he was married and I could never quite decide if that was silly or beautiful. I had purchased a purity ring but I hadn't started to diligently wear it because honestly in my heart I thought... What's the point? God can't really care about this? I am going to have to do all of this on my own? Getting married is just a silly fantasy. I need to take care of myself.
Ok, now that you know all about the strang girl who is writing you, let's get to your wedding. My Aunt invited me to go and I got there and it was SO BEAUTIFUL. (I really hope it was everything that you had ever wished for and then some) Then I read in your program about the story of the key. (THE STORY OF THE KEY: Elya had been wearing a key around her neck for the past five years. This was the key to her heart. She guarded it dilligently to save and give to her husband on her wedding day) I thought that was the most beautiful thing ever. Then someone in the crowd said that you had never kissed before. I didn't think that anyone actually did that. Anyway, the wedding started and you looked absolutly amazing Elya. You both said your vows about having a love for each other that only Christ could give you. It was so God filled, and Spirit filled and yet there was just an amazing fun spirit to the whole wedding. It was the most child like, innocent,... No the PUREST thing I have ever seen.
But the thing that got to me most was when Annaliese and Nic started singing "How He Loves". Seeing the two of you worship like that at your wedding was amazing. You were able to take a day that was suposed to be all about you and turn ALL of the glory over to God. It was the most beautiful and pure moment I have ever seen. This is when God whispered in my ear, "This is what I want for you." and I just started crying. My brain just couldn't handle the simplest form of love, love as how it should be. (I still think I was the biggest sap there because I didn't even know you and was crying more than anyone else).
The moral of the story: Ever since that moment I wear my purity ring every day. God has told me that HE is in control of my life and relationships, or even lack of relationships. God has shown me what HE wants for me and that doesn't nessisarily mean a beautiful wedding just like yours but it does mean that HE wants me to experience that simple pure form of love, the love that HE has for me and let it consume me no matter who I am with. I know that you two are both fairly mission minded and I want you guys to realize that when you live your lives with Christ in the center, it is HIM who shines through. He used you guys to change my life and hopefully my future. Thank you both for following God. I know that He will use you two in mightly ways in the future. Thank you.
God's greatest blessing and love from a sister in Christ,
Torri
Dear Adam and Elya (a.k.a. Mr. and Mrs. Mckinley)
I know that you guys don't know me and I don't really know you. But I went to your wedding this past Saturday (My Aunt is Rita Vega and she knew EVERYONE at the wedding) and it really changed and effected my lfie. I know that you are both very strong in the Lord and desire to tell and show others about Him and that is what you did, even through your wedding. So even though this is a little... different... I thought you guys would like to know.
All throughout my life I have wondered what makes me worth waiting for. It wasn't until my time in Texas with Teen Mania Ministries and some time with a few friends that I realized who I was in God's eyes. But lately the world has been creeping in and I have simply been wondering what it is that God wants for me. One of my dearest friends said that he didn't want to kiss anyone until he was married and I could never quite decide if that was silly or beautiful. I had purchased a purity ring but I hadn't started to diligently wear it because honestly in my heart I thought... What's the point? God can't really care about this? I am going to have to do all of this on my own? Getting married is just a silly fantasy. I need to take care of myself.
Ok, now that you know all about the strang girl who is writing you, let's get to your wedding. My Aunt invited me to go and I got there and it was SO BEAUTIFUL. (I really hope it was everything that you had ever wished for and then some) Then I read in your program about the story of the key. (THE STORY OF THE KEY: Elya had been wearing a key around her neck for the past five years. This was the key to her heart. She guarded it dilligently to save and give to her husband on her wedding day) I thought that was the most beautiful thing ever. Then someone in the crowd said that you had never kissed before. I didn't think that anyone actually did that. Anyway, the wedding started and you looked absolutly amazing Elya. You both said your vows about having a love for each other that only Christ could give you. It was so God filled, and Spirit filled and yet there was just an amazing fun spirit to the whole wedding. It was the most child like, innocent,... No the PUREST thing I have ever seen.
But the thing that got to me most was when Annaliese and Nic started singing "How He Loves". Seeing the two of you worship like that at your wedding was amazing. You were able to take a day that was suposed to be all about you and turn ALL of the glory over to God. It was the most beautiful and pure moment I have ever seen. This is when God whispered in my ear, "This is what I want for you." and I just started crying. My brain just couldn't handle the simplest form of love, love as how it should be. (I still think I was the biggest sap there because I didn't even know you and was crying more than anyone else).
The moral of the story: Ever since that moment I wear my purity ring every day. God has told me that HE is in control of my life and relationships, or even lack of relationships. God has shown me what HE wants for me and that doesn't nessisarily mean a beautiful wedding just like yours but it does mean that HE wants me to experience that simple pure form of love, the love that HE has for me and let it consume me no matter who I am with. I know that you two are both fairly mission minded and I want you guys to realize that when you live your lives with Christ in the center, it is HIM who shines through. He used you guys to change my life and hopefully my future. Thank you both for following God. I know that He will use you two in mightly ways in the future. Thank you.
God's greatest blessing and love from a sister in Christ,
Torri
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Love rejoices when the truth wins out
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do so we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up are just glass on the outside
So let them fall down. There's freedom waiting in the sound.
When you let your walls fall to the ground, we're here now.
This is where the healing begins.
This is where the healing starts.
When you come to where you're broken within; The light meets the dark
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide, come crashing through the door now
To scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find that the shame won't disapear
So let them fall down. There's freedom waiting in the sound.
When you let you let your walls fall to the ground, we're here now.
We're here now
This is where the healing begins.
This is where the healing starts.
When you come to where you're broken within; the light meets the dark
Stars will fly as grace collides with the dark inside of us
So please don't fight this coming light
Let this blood come cover us. HIS blood can cover us.
This is where the healing begins.
This is where the healing starts.
Come to where you're broken within; the light meets the dark.
Those are some of my FAVORITE song lyrics. That is "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North.
(watch the video below before reading on)
I think that sometime we all want to confess only the BIG sins. Like porn, drugs, or anything else that is socially BAD. But I think that sometimes pride is way more destructive.
I know someone who is ruining thier lives by trying to be thier own savior. They spend their life trying to be all perfect and don't let down any walls. Thier inside world is crumbling and everyone can see. But they refuse to be anything but their own savior.
And I think we are all guilty of that at some point. That's why I made this blog. To start being real. To avoid my life from becoming full of walls. And I pray that you all will let your walls down too
All the work that you do so we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up are just glass on the outside
So let them fall down. There's freedom waiting in the sound.
When you let your walls fall to the ground, we're here now.
This is where the healing begins.
This is where the healing starts.
When you come to where you're broken within; The light meets the dark
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide, come crashing through the door now
To scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find that the shame won't disapear
So let them fall down. There's freedom waiting in the sound.
When you let you let your walls fall to the ground, we're here now.
We're here now
This is where the healing begins.
This is where the healing starts.
When you come to where you're broken within; the light meets the dark
Stars will fly as grace collides with the dark inside of us
So please don't fight this coming light
Let this blood come cover us. HIS blood can cover us.
This is where the healing begins.
This is where the healing starts.
Come to where you're broken within; the light meets the dark.
Those are some of my FAVORITE song lyrics. That is "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North.
(watch the video below before reading on)
I think that sometime we all want to confess only the BIG sins. Like porn, drugs, or anything else that is socially BAD. But I think that sometimes pride is way more destructive.
I know someone who is ruining thier lives by trying to be thier own savior. They spend their life trying to be all perfect and don't let down any walls. Thier inside world is crumbling and everyone can see. But they refuse to be anything but their own savior.
And I think we are all guilty of that at some point. That's why I made this blog. To start being real. To avoid my life from becoming full of walls. And I pray that you all will let your walls down too
The doll who thought she was broken (a companion to "My little rant on women of the church" on my "One simple random God filled life" blog
Once upon a time there was a little doll. She loved to dress up and pretend she was a princess. She loved to sing and dance and just be who she was. But soon she started to see things that got her very confused.
She saw dolls on tv, she saw dolls in magazines, she saw dolls in adds that said, "I'm the doll next door, just like you", but there was one major problem... She didn't look anything like these dolls. Her teeth weren't straight, her hair wouldn't go, she was bigger, she was darker, and so many more things were just wrong. She sat and stared. "Why am I so wrong?" was all she thought.
She cried at night when no one was watching. She knew she was so wrong but she didn't know how to fix it. Soon she saw adds that said, "Look like this!". She grabbed at them and couldn't wait to see what it said. She tried everything; fad diets, workouts, hair products, retainers, makeup, and everything else.
But none of it worked. Not a single bit. And now she knew she was even more wrong because people didn't treat her the way they treated those girls on the tv shows. Guys didn't want to date her and the ones who did, didn't really love her. She was just forever doomed to be wrong.
She stopped eating. She thought that maybe if she didn't eat she could be the same size as those girls. And when she would break down and eat she would feel SO guilty. She knew she was forever doomed to be wrong. She would punish herself. She started bruising herself and cutting herself, just so that it would leave tiny scars; reminding herself and everyone else just how wrong she was.
Eventually she realized that she would never be right. No one was goign to ever love her like they loved those dollls on TV. She began to think, "Why should I even live if I am that wrong?"
This is not only my story but the story of so many girls I have met and so many more that I haven't. Thankfully my story has a happy ending.
As the little doll was thinking this her father entered the room. "Darling," he said. "Why are you crying?" The little doll didn't know what to do. She was too ashamed to even be in her father's presense. He deserved something perfect, something that she wasn't. Her father picked her up and held her in his arms. "I made you" He whispered. "I love you. You are so beautiful in my sight." The little doll just cried harder. "But I'm broken." she cried.
The Father just chuckled. "You arn't broken." He said. "I made you that way. I made you beautiful." The Father pulled out a photograph of a little doll in a bright pink dress swirling around in the sun. This little doll wasn't perfect but she was happy and she looked more beautiful than anything the little doll had seen. "Who is this little doll?" She asked. "Why isn't she the one on tv?" "That little doll," The father replied. "Is you."
The little dolls eyes welled up with tears. This is you before you tried to be who you weren't. This is who I created. This is you when you were happy. This is how I created you.
God created you just the way you are and loves you just the way you are. It took me a long time, and a destructive path to figure that one out. And I still battle it to this day. But God made you BEAUTIFUL! No matter what.
She saw dolls on tv, she saw dolls in magazines, she saw dolls in adds that said, "I'm the doll next door, just like you", but there was one major problem... She didn't look anything like these dolls. Her teeth weren't straight, her hair wouldn't go, she was bigger, she was darker, and so many more things were just wrong. She sat and stared. "Why am I so wrong?" was all she thought.
She cried at night when no one was watching. She knew she was so wrong but she didn't know how to fix it. Soon she saw adds that said, "Look like this!". She grabbed at them and couldn't wait to see what it said. She tried everything; fad diets, workouts, hair products, retainers, makeup, and everything else.
But none of it worked. Not a single bit. And now she knew she was even more wrong because people didn't treat her the way they treated those girls on the tv shows. Guys didn't want to date her and the ones who did, didn't really love her. She was just forever doomed to be wrong.
She stopped eating. She thought that maybe if she didn't eat she could be the same size as those girls. And when she would break down and eat she would feel SO guilty. She knew she was forever doomed to be wrong. She would punish herself. She started bruising herself and cutting herself, just so that it would leave tiny scars; reminding herself and everyone else just how wrong she was.
Eventually she realized that she would never be right. No one was goign to ever love her like they loved those dollls on TV. She began to think, "Why should I even live if I am that wrong?"
This is not only my story but the story of so many girls I have met and so many more that I haven't. Thankfully my story has a happy ending.
As the little doll was thinking this her father entered the room. "Darling," he said. "Why are you crying?" The little doll didn't know what to do. She was too ashamed to even be in her father's presense. He deserved something perfect, something that she wasn't. Her father picked her up and held her in his arms. "I made you" He whispered. "I love you. You are so beautiful in my sight." The little doll just cried harder. "But I'm broken." she cried.
The Father just chuckled. "You arn't broken." He said. "I made you that way. I made you beautiful." The Father pulled out a photograph of a little doll in a bright pink dress swirling around in the sun. This little doll wasn't perfect but she was happy and she looked more beautiful than anything the little doll had seen. "Who is this little doll?" She asked. "Why isn't she the one on tv?" "That little doll," The father replied. "Is you."
The little dolls eyes welled up with tears. This is you before you tried to be who you weren't. This is who I created. This is you when you were happy. This is how I created you.
God created you just the way you are and loves you just the way you are. It took me a long time, and a destructive path to figure that one out. And I still battle it to this day. But God made you BEAUTIFUL! No matter what.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Dying on the Inside
Today I found out that an old friend of mine died. And now I can't function. I shouldn't be this sad. I mean we were only halfway close for a year or two and then he moved away. I haven't seen him in at least a year. I thought he was still living in Colorado. But no. He's dead. And I shouldn't be this sad but I am.
Right now I am praying that Bryce (that was his name) is in heaven with Jesus. I know that is a silly thing to pray after someone has died but I honestly don't know about him. He could have gone either way. So I pray for the past as the only way I can deal with this.
I have always been a crier. Someone I had never met but I was aquatenses with his younger brother died in my old school and I just sat in the library all day and cried. But now I know him... and right now I can't function.
And the silly thing is that the only thing that is sticking in my head right now are the times when Bryce tried to light my car on fire in the McDonalds drive through after youth group and the time we had the superbowl party at my house and I had him convinced that my motion activated light was only turned on when I snapped my fingers. (He was too short to make it go)
So right now I don't know what I feel or why I am writing this blog. But I can't deal with it right now. I have no right to be sad, no right to be angry, no right to shut down; but I am. And that just makes me sadder, angrier, and shut down more. And I don't know what to do.
Right now I am praying that Bryce (that was his name) is in heaven with Jesus. I know that is a silly thing to pray after someone has died but I honestly don't know about him. He could have gone either way. So I pray for the past as the only way I can deal with this.
I have always been a crier. Someone I had never met but I was aquatenses with his younger brother died in my old school and I just sat in the library all day and cried. But now I know him... and right now I can't function.
And the silly thing is that the only thing that is sticking in my head right now are the times when Bryce tried to light my car on fire in the McDonalds drive through after youth group and the time we had the superbowl party at my house and I had him convinced that my motion activated light was only turned on when I snapped my fingers. (He was too short to make it go)
So right now I don't know what I feel or why I am writing this blog. But I can't deal with it right now. I have no right to be sad, no right to be angry, no right to shut down; but I am. And that just makes me sadder, angrier, and shut down more. And I don't know what to do.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
This is me
Right now I want to start with a story. The story of a liar. The story of a sad little girl who had so many differenet lies. Each morning she would go to her closet and chose which suit of lies to wear that morning. Each was very well constructed and portrayed a differnt person who she wanted to be. Some days she would go to church and put on her best christian lie. Some days she would go on a date and put on her most beautiful lie. Sometimes she would put on her drinking lie. Sometiems she would find a situation that required her to make a new lie. Beautiful or ugly, she had thousands of lies. She once had a real suit. A suit known as herself. It was real, authentic and raw. She loved that suit. But over time it became not good enough. And she found that she could construct other suits if she would just cut a little bit out of her real suit to make them believeable. Soon her real suit was gone. Thousands of little peices in thousands of lies, and the sad part was; she didn't even know which peice of the lie suits was the real peice anymore.
That poor little girl with the lie suits became so confused. She didn't know what was real anymore. Everything just seemed like a dream. Which part of her identities was real? Was she now free to chose her own reality? No, because that would just be another lie. She even tried to make a new lie suit called "The Real" lie. But it only left her more hurt and confused. Nothing was real. Nothing mattered.
This little girl is me.
But last weekend in Wyoming, God called me out. He gathered me into his arms and said, "No more lying. I made you, not the lie you want to be. And I love you, not some lie."
Soon the little girl's father came into her room. He saw what she had done with the beautiful suit he had given her. He was so sad to see what she had done, but not at all angry. He was so sad to see his little girl so hurt and confused, wearing her "The Real" lie suit and crying for reality. He looked into her closet and could see each and every lie, but he could also see each and ever bit of truth sticking out of the lies. He could see the reality that the little girl had fogotten.
The little girl cowered in sight of him. She was so afraid. She had let down her father who had made a beautiful suti for her. She hadn't been satisfied. Other girl's would damage thier father's suits as well. They would go out and play in the mud, but stains can be washed. Can broken peices be made whole again? She didn't know and she saw the sadness in her father's eyes as he approached her.
But something happened that surprised this little girl. Her father took his strong arms and picked her up. He lifted her up to his face and kissed her head gently. He cradled her in his arms and said that he loved her. But he also looked her squarley in the eye. He said that she must take off her lie suit and hand every lie she had ever made over to him. She didn't know what to do. She cried out to him, "What then shall I wear?" for she had desicrated what he had given to her. She had ruined everything. She didn't even have a reality anymore to clothe herself in. She would be completley empty.
Her father looked at her and smiled. "Me." He replied. "Baby girl, you will wear Me." He handed her a bright new crisply white dress, decorated with all of the flowers of the feild. There was no past, real or false in this new garment. She was simply clothed in him.
And this is where I am. Clothed only in Christ. I have no sense of past. I have no idea if something really happened or not. I am like someone waking up from a coma, not yet able to distinguish thier dreams from reality. But God will restore. So here I am.
For all of you who are reading this blog; either you have stumbled across this by random fate (which is obviously God's will and you are welcome to keep reading) or I have invited you because I trust you and am willing to be 100% real with you. This blog is complete 100% uncensored me.
Because this little girl still just wants to make people happy. And every moment she is tempted to take this new garment the father has given her and mix it with so many falsities. Because she doesn't know who she is, and is trying to find out. But the Father is simple telling her to find herself in Him, and to seek Him, no matter what the world says.
So while I may post in weird allegories (stories) like this little girl (simply because I don't have the words, courage, or strength to say it any other way) if I have trusted you to read this, you should feel privelegded. In no way are you required to read this, in fact please feel free to pass it by. But I need people to keep me acountable, to encourage me, and to help me discover who I am in Christ.
God restored me last weekend and I pray that I don't screw it up.
So this is me. Authentic with NO more pretending. And this is God. with LOVE that trancends all bounds.
That poor little girl with the lie suits became so confused. She didn't know what was real anymore. Everything just seemed like a dream. Which part of her identities was real? Was she now free to chose her own reality? No, because that would just be another lie. She even tried to make a new lie suit called "The Real" lie. But it only left her more hurt and confused. Nothing was real. Nothing mattered.
This little girl is me.
But last weekend in Wyoming, God called me out. He gathered me into his arms and said, "No more lying. I made you, not the lie you want to be. And I love you, not some lie."
Soon the little girl's father came into her room. He saw what she had done with the beautiful suit he had given her. He was so sad to see what she had done, but not at all angry. He was so sad to see his little girl so hurt and confused, wearing her "The Real" lie suit and crying for reality. He looked into her closet and could see each and every lie, but he could also see each and ever bit of truth sticking out of the lies. He could see the reality that the little girl had fogotten.
The little girl cowered in sight of him. She was so afraid. She had let down her father who had made a beautiful suti for her. She hadn't been satisfied. Other girl's would damage thier father's suits as well. They would go out and play in the mud, but stains can be washed. Can broken peices be made whole again? She didn't know and she saw the sadness in her father's eyes as he approached her.
But something happened that surprised this little girl. Her father took his strong arms and picked her up. He lifted her up to his face and kissed her head gently. He cradled her in his arms and said that he loved her. But he also looked her squarley in the eye. He said that she must take off her lie suit and hand every lie she had ever made over to him. She didn't know what to do. She cried out to him, "What then shall I wear?" for she had desicrated what he had given to her. She had ruined everything. She didn't even have a reality anymore to clothe herself in. She would be completley empty.
Her father looked at her and smiled. "Me." He replied. "Baby girl, you will wear Me." He handed her a bright new crisply white dress, decorated with all of the flowers of the feild. There was no past, real or false in this new garment. She was simply clothed in him.
And this is where I am. Clothed only in Christ. I have no sense of past. I have no idea if something really happened or not. I am like someone waking up from a coma, not yet able to distinguish thier dreams from reality. But God will restore. So here I am.
For all of you who are reading this blog; either you have stumbled across this by random fate (which is obviously God's will and you are welcome to keep reading) or I have invited you because I trust you and am willing to be 100% real with you. This blog is complete 100% uncensored me.
Because this little girl still just wants to make people happy. And every moment she is tempted to take this new garment the father has given her and mix it with so many falsities. Because she doesn't know who she is, and is trying to find out. But the Father is simple telling her to find herself in Him, and to seek Him, no matter what the world says.
So while I may post in weird allegories (stories) like this little girl (simply because I don't have the words, courage, or strength to say it any other way) if I have trusted you to read this, you should feel privelegded. In no way are you required to read this, in fact please feel free to pass it by. But I need people to keep me acountable, to encourage me, and to help me discover who I am in Christ.
God restored me last weekend and I pray that I don't screw it up.
So this is me. Authentic with NO more pretending. And this is God. with LOVE that trancends all bounds.
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