I believe we are all familiar with the song Only Hope. If not think Mandy Moore and A Walk to Remember. Coming back to you?
It is one of the most beautiful songs ever. However this song was originally done and written by the band Switch foot which is known for their distinctively christian lyrics. I looked up the original lyrics to this song (only one word was changed, but it makes all the difference)and they were amazingly deep. Here the link to hear if you'd like to look:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls5HVpAn9AE
Apathy... look it up
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
My Music
www.myspace.com/torriegan
That is the link to my music site. I finally recorded all of my decent songs and put them on a website. Check it out :)
That is the link to my music site. I finally recorded all of my decent songs and put them on a website. Check it out :)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Remember
Wrote a new song....
You probably won't like it but this is my blog so... yeah.
Here it is: (if you want to hear it... ask)
Do you remember when your eyes caught mine
Do you remember when you said you loved me
Do you remember when you'd hold me safe at night
And say, You'll never leave me
I gave you all my heart, you said you loved me
I gave you everything, you said you'd hold me till the end
You said you'd never leave me
So why did you leave me?
Do you remember when a promise was forever
Do you remember when I was beautiful
Do you remember when you'd put your arms around me
And say, You'd never leave me
I gave you all my heart, you said you loved me
I gave you everything, you said you'd hold me till the end
You said you'd never leave me
So why did you leave me?
Why did you leave me?
Did it hurt you to walk away?
You probably won't like it but this is my blog so... yeah.
Here it is: (if you want to hear it... ask)
Do you remember when your eyes caught mine
Do you remember when you said you loved me
Do you remember when you'd hold me safe at night
And say, You'll never leave me
I gave you all my heart, you said you loved me
I gave you everything, you said you'd hold me till the end
You said you'd never leave me
So why did you leave me?
Do you remember when a promise was forever
Do you remember when I was beautiful
Do you remember when you'd put your arms around me
And say, You'd never leave me
I gave you all my heart, you said you loved me
I gave you everything, you said you'd hold me till the end
You said you'd never leave me
So why did you leave me?
Why did you leave me?
Did it hurt you to walk away?
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Loving on Purpose
Almost a year later, I finally get it. :) This website came up on facebook:
http://dtr.lovingonpurpose.com/
It was meant for young adults who are either in relationships or who are preparing to be in them. As I was reading through the introduction one sentence struck me, it was that this series is meant to impart COURAGE. Courage to either move forward in a relationship or the courage to walk away. And it was the courage to walk away part that really stuck with me.
Last year I was obsessed with being in a relationship. I wanted to just be with someone for the popularity, security, and friendship it brought. But there was no future for it. It was just for fun. I didn't realize that in every aspect of every relationship (with family, freinds, ect) you share a little bit of yourself. In order for a relationshp to grow you have to share more and more. Sharing your hopes, dreams, veiws about God, time together, ect. But you share peices of yourself. And if you aren't careful you can end up in a place that is not a good place for you to be.
Last school year / summer I had a friendshp with a guy that was growing very fast. We clicked very well and had some great times together.But I was completely unaware. Before I knew it I found us very close and in a place emotionally where I was not prepared to be. I was young, and I wanted a relationship for all of the wrong reasons. However, I wasn't the one to realize this. The friend of mine who was equally as young was the one to realize that this was not a good place for us to be. I can't tell you what he was thinking but I am assuming that somewhere in that line it took him a lot of courage. Even if it was only because I was just a little emotionally unstable at the time. But it was a very good decision.
This brings me to the title, loving on purpose. Maybe it is just because I am geting older and begining to understand life better but I know that for most of my life I didn't love on purpose. I loved because it was what everyone else was doing, because it gave you a social status, because it felt right; But I was not looking at it as what God designed any sort of community for. God wants us to be able to expeirience his love and qualties in the community of frienships and relationships. And the idea of loving on purpose, the purpose that God designed is so freeing.
http://dtr.lovingonpurpose.com/
It was meant for young adults who are either in relationships or who are preparing to be in them. As I was reading through the introduction one sentence struck me, it was that this series is meant to impart COURAGE. Courage to either move forward in a relationship or the courage to walk away. And it was the courage to walk away part that really stuck with me.
Last year I was obsessed with being in a relationship. I wanted to just be with someone for the popularity, security, and friendship it brought. But there was no future for it. It was just for fun. I didn't realize that in every aspect of every relationship (with family, freinds, ect) you share a little bit of yourself. In order for a relationshp to grow you have to share more and more. Sharing your hopes, dreams, veiws about God, time together, ect. But you share peices of yourself. And if you aren't careful you can end up in a place that is not a good place for you to be.
Last school year / summer I had a friendshp with a guy that was growing very fast. We clicked very well and had some great times together.But I was completely unaware. Before I knew it I found us very close and in a place emotionally where I was not prepared to be. I was young, and I wanted a relationship for all of the wrong reasons. However, I wasn't the one to realize this. The friend of mine who was equally as young was the one to realize that this was not a good place for us to be. I can't tell you what he was thinking but I am assuming that somewhere in that line it took him a lot of courage. Even if it was only because I was just a little emotionally unstable at the time. But it was a very good decision.
This brings me to the title, loving on purpose. Maybe it is just because I am geting older and begining to understand life better but I know that for most of my life I didn't love on purpose. I loved because it was what everyone else was doing, because it gave you a social status, because it felt right; But I was not looking at it as what God designed any sort of community for. God wants us to be able to expeirience his love and qualties in the community of frienships and relationships. And the idea of loving on purpose, the purpose that God designed is so freeing.
You never know what you've got till it's gone
This summer I kept a detailed journal from graduation day until mid August. I love looking back at old diaries and figuring out what my life was like at a certain point in time. As I was looking through I realized that I had a very interesting relationship with a friend. Let me share with you one of the entries.
• 06/19/10 – Saturday: After a long night of tossing and turning on the tent floor,(I was camping with some friends at the time) I wake up and pack up to leave. After I’m packed up I eat breakfast and head out to go rafting. When we start out rafting I am sharing a boat with Zac (my little brother). For the first four hours we float down the river having fun and Zac and I have a blast. We stop for lunch and Zac, Daniel and I play in the water. It was great. We loaded back up and stopped after an hour or so to try to find petro glyphs. We failed, but it was a nice little river walk. Then Daniel tells Zac he wants to switch boats with him so that he can spend more time with me. It’s cute. Daniel and I take off down the river. We have many adventures over the next six hours including getting lost, having the boat get a hole in it, swimming down the river, getting scraped up and bruised from the rocks in the river, and just goofing off together. By the end I am so tired and cold and hurt. (I got a really bad burn on my leg that I had to take intense medicine for for a couple of weeks afterwards. Almost a year later I have three scars from that day) Daniel says nice stuff about me being cute and pretty. When we FINALLY get out of the river we pile into the mini-van so we can shuttle us back to the two cars. Daniel, Zac and I are squished in the back. My hip is bruised so it hurts so badly. Daniel puts his arm around me and tells me it will be ok. The pain gets worse so I lean into his bare chest and he kisses my head. I turn away to the window to ease the pain and he rubs my back. We ride the long way home and after apologizing for not sitting in the back with me he gives me a hug, kisses my head, and says that he loves me. We get back to mount and I drive home. He texts me good night and says that he loves me.
Honestly, it wasn't until I read that and other entries like it from the summer that I realized just how close I was with him. I mean I was obviously crushing as you can tell from the twist on this entry but I never realized how special our relationship was, even if neither of us really meant for it to be. And now to the title of this post; "You never know what you've got till it's gone" Daniel and I are still close friends but our relationship is VERY different than it was during this blog post. And I never realized how special it really was until well, it's gone. But I know that when God closes one door he opens another. God used a special time in my life to open me up to people and to show me important things about myself. While I loved that time in my life and miss it with all my heart, if that's not what God has for me than that is not what God has for me. The fact is that God has something great in store for me and I just get to wait to find out about it. But I do miss one of the best times of my life. You never fully know what you had until it's gone.
• 06/19/10 – Saturday: After a long night of tossing and turning on the tent floor,(I was camping with some friends at the time) I wake up and pack up to leave. After I’m packed up I eat breakfast and head out to go rafting. When we start out rafting I am sharing a boat with Zac (my little brother). For the first four hours we float down the river having fun and Zac and I have a blast. We stop for lunch and Zac, Daniel and I play in the water. It was great. We loaded back up and stopped after an hour or so to try to find petro glyphs. We failed, but it was a nice little river walk. Then Daniel tells Zac he wants to switch boats with him so that he can spend more time with me. It’s cute. Daniel and I take off down the river. We have many adventures over the next six hours including getting lost, having the boat get a hole in it, swimming down the river, getting scraped up and bruised from the rocks in the river, and just goofing off together. By the end I am so tired and cold and hurt. (I got a really bad burn on my leg that I had to take intense medicine for for a couple of weeks afterwards. Almost a year later I have three scars from that day) Daniel says nice stuff about me being cute and pretty. When we FINALLY get out of the river we pile into the mini-van so we can shuttle us back to the two cars. Daniel, Zac and I are squished in the back. My hip is bruised so it hurts so badly. Daniel puts his arm around me and tells me it will be ok. The pain gets worse so I lean into his bare chest and he kisses my head. I turn away to the window to ease the pain and he rubs my back. We ride the long way home and after apologizing for not sitting in the back with me he gives me a hug, kisses my head, and says that he loves me. We get back to mount and I drive home. He texts me good night and says that he loves me.
Honestly, it wasn't until I read that and other entries like it from the summer that I realized just how close I was with him. I mean I was obviously crushing as you can tell from the twist on this entry but I never realized how special our relationship was, even if neither of us really meant for it to be. And now to the title of this post; "You never know what you've got till it's gone" Daniel and I are still close friends but our relationship is VERY different than it was during this blog post. And I never realized how special it really was until well, it's gone. But I know that when God closes one door he opens another. God used a special time in my life to open me up to people and to show me important things about myself. While I loved that time in my life and miss it with all my heart, if that's not what God has for me than that is not what God has for me. The fact is that God has something great in store for me and I just get to wait to find out about it. But I do miss one of the best times of my life. You never fully know what you had until it's gone.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Bathsheba's Side of the Story
I bet if Bathsheba were to read through the story of David in the bible she would be a little bit more than pissed off the entire time. Not because of the stories, but because of what that guy did to her. I mean this is the scum of a man who went all peeping tom on her then decided he was going to sleep with her whether she liked it or not. He got her pregnant and tried like crazy to cover it up. He forbid her from telling her husband the truth. Then after he couldn't cover it up any other way he killed her husband. He killed the man she loved. Then he added her to his arsenal of wives and because of his terrible act, her child had to be killed. And yet this guy who I am sure at some point she had to despise is at the core of the Bible. He is even called a man after God's own heart. But I don't know about you but looking at that I and I am gussing Bathsheba had a pretty hard time calling someone who would do those thigns a man. I mean David didn't even apologize to her. And even if he had that is a serious load of emotional trauma that poor girl is stuck with. How could God still be with this guy? And how could God really care about Bathsheba and love David at the same time? Maybe she just wasn't worth as much? So I am digging into God's word to find answers. Does God care about what she went through? Does God value her? I am honestly quite conflicted and need scriptural and historical fact to solve this.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Sacrifice
It is so hard for me to envision what Christ did for us. It is so hard for me to grap even the thought of an average person sacrificin anything for anyone else. But recently God has shown me his heart in men that I admire. He is showing me in the smallest way what it looks like to give your life for something.
Three men come to my mind when I think about this, the first is the husband of one of my mother's friends. My mom's friend Jessica* found herself seriously dating one guy and sleeping with another. She was in her early twenties and made some mistakes. However when she decided to stop sleeping with the other guy and confess it all, she found herself pregnant. She was not going to abort this baby due to the fact that her mother almost aborted her and her religious convictions. However she was stuck.
I had always thought about this story from her perspective, but never from that of her husband. Honestly, what woudl you do? You are a male in his early to mid twenties, a good christian guy who has been seriously dating this girl whom you love. You not only find out that she has been cheating on you, but she is pregnant with another man's baby. you have been waiting, taking things slowly, and eventually wanted to have your own family with this girl. What would you do? I would expect most guys to simply leave. After all, she cheated on you. And you have no reason to give up your life to raise a baby you had no part in. But that is not what this guy did.
He married her. they were soon married and he was there as she gave birth to the baby and he has been there for all of the baby girl's life. He raised her as her own and now she is in her teenage years and he is the only father she has ever known and he loves her just like his own. Even though they had a rough start, he gave his life to these two girls. But that wasn't where the hardship ended. When they were finally able to have thier own child a few years later, thier son was born with several problems which required LONG surgeries, extensive time in the Nicu and a very lowly predicted life expentency. And even if he lived it would be endless doctor's visits, and never walking, and nothing good could come of it. I woudl think that after that time this poor man would just give up. But He didn't. He trusted God for the outcome and gave of himself. Several years later this boy is in his young teenage years, walking, still small with some health issues, but he is doing things just like a normal boy. Praise God that thier third child was a beautiful and healthy girl. I have often thought about this family as one that I admire but I had never thought about it from his perspective. And I really admire him.
Another man I think of who has given his life for his family is a friend of mine's dad. While he had a great start, marrying the girl of his dreams and having three beautiful children together, with the first two even being twins. However there was a cog thrown into the game. Thier fourth child was born with Downs Syndrome. I know so many guys who would have just left there. Or tried to put the child in a home, or something. But he didn't. He loved this child and that little boy is one of the sweetest people I know. But that wasn't the hardest thing for this family. More recently this man's wife was diagnosed with cancer and cofined to a wheelchair because of it. I know a lot of people who might have left at this point. Or atleast resented having to take care of her. But he didn't. His love for her is stronger than ever. He does everything he can to care for her and work to provide for thier family.
The third man I think of is another one of my friend's fathers. He married a woman who already had two children, stuck with her while her children were in and out of drug addictions and jail, he stuck with her through her mental illness. He is a strong man who gave his life for his family and for the woman he loved.
While none of these men are perfect I believe they honestly portray the verse where it says husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. This love is seen often in women but far too rarely in men. But I see these sacrifices and this love that they have and I have hope. And I am able to see a simple picture of how Christ cares for me. No matter what I do, no matter what happens, he doesn't leave and he gives his life for me.
Three men come to my mind when I think about this, the first is the husband of one of my mother's friends. My mom's friend Jessica* found herself seriously dating one guy and sleeping with another. She was in her early twenties and made some mistakes. However when she decided to stop sleeping with the other guy and confess it all, she found herself pregnant. She was not going to abort this baby due to the fact that her mother almost aborted her and her religious convictions. However she was stuck.
I had always thought about this story from her perspective, but never from that of her husband. Honestly, what woudl you do? You are a male in his early to mid twenties, a good christian guy who has been seriously dating this girl whom you love. You not only find out that she has been cheating on you, but she is pregnant with another man's baby. you have been waiting, taking things slowly, and eventually wanted to have your own family with this girl. What would you do? I would expect most guys to simply leave. After all, she cheated on you. And you have no reason to give up your life to raise a baby you had no part in. But that is not what this guy did.
He married her. they were soon married and he was there as she gave birth to the baby and he has been there for all of the baby girl's life. He raised her as her own and now she is in her teenage years and he is the only father she has ever known and he loves her just like his own. Even though they had a rough start, he gave his life to these two girls. But that wasn't where the hardship ended. When they were finally able to have thier own child a few years later, thier son was born with several problems which required LONG surgeries, extensive time in the Nicu and a very lowly predicted life expentency. And even if he lived it would be endless doctor's visits, and never walking, and nothing good could come of it. I woudl think that after that time this poor man would just give up. But He didn't. He trusted God for the outcome and gave of himself. Several years later this boy is in his young teenage years, walking, still small with some health issues, but he is doing things just like a normal boy. Praise God that thier third child was a beautiful and healthy girl. I have often thought about this family as one that I admire but I had never thought about it from his perspective. And I really admire him.
Another man I think of who has given his life for his family is a friend of mine's dad. While he had a great start, marrying the girl of his dreams and having three beautiful children together, with the first two even being twins. However there was a cog thrown into the game. Thier fourth child was born with Downs Syndrome. I know so many guys who would have just left there. Or tried to put the child in a home, or something. But he didn't. He loved this child and that little boy is one of the sweetest people I know. But that wasn't the hardest thing for this family. More recently this man's wife was diagnosed with cancer and cofined to a wheelchair because of it. I know a lot of people who might have left at this point. Or atleast resented having to take care of her. But he didn't. His love for her is stronger than ever. He does everything he can to care for her and work to provide for thier family.
The third man I think of is another one of my friend's fathers. He married a woman who already had two children, stuck with her while her children were in and out of drug addictions and jail, he stuck with her through her mental illness. He is a strong man who gave his life for his family and for the woman he loved.
While none of these men are perfect I believe they honestly portray the verse where it says husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. This love is seen often in women but far too rarely in men. But I see these sacrifices and this love that they have and I have hope. And I am able to see a simple picture of how Christ cares for me. No matter what I do, no matter what happens, he doesn't leave and he gives his life for me.
Monday, March 7, 2011
A stranger's kind words
Tonight I reached out.
Tonight I wrote an email to a stranger. Today I told someon about the silly mundane problem that was plauging my heart and really tearing me down. Not the big issues, not the brokeness, just the silly little things we call life. This is what she wrote back.
You honestly remind me a lot of myself.
But I'm also 18, and my best friend is a just-turned 18 year old boy in high school, who I'm madly in love with.
I've been where you've been. And it's hell. I woke up every morning thinking exactly what you're thinking: "If he can't love me, who will? Who can I depend on if not him?"
I'm not going to tell you that there will always be other boys. Because I know that won't mean a damn thing to you. He's all you want, all you need. He makes it easier just to live, to breathe, to BE.
But if you're as madly in love with him as I am with mine, I can honestly say that friendship isn't a good plan. Because you'll know you're not his everything. And that will eat you alive for the next forever. You need to find the strength to move beyond him.
This boy of mine is my boyfriend. We started dating last February. But in October, he left me. For another girl. And it destroyed me. And I felt like if I couldn't rely on him to be my everything, well then who could I rely on? But that changes. And it takes a LOT of time, and effort, and a lot of lies to yourself. You have to make yourself believe that you don't ACTUALLY need him like you think you do. And after a while, you start to believe it.
But there's something you don't need to lie about: You ARE worth someone's time. You're worth EVERYONE'S time. And just because that boy doesn't like you, doesn't mean others won't. You're beautiful. You're intelligent. You're deep. All you need to do is find the people who can and will appreciate that. And you'll find them.
My advice? Maybe try not talking to each other for a couple of weeks. If you're falling for him, and he isn't falling right there with you, maybe wean yourself off of him. Talking to him will only make it worse.
It helped me. Maybe it'll do the same for you.
And again, Tori, you're a wonderful person. You'll never be "just second best". Not to everyone. There's someone out there waiting for you to take that "top priority" ranking in their listing. Go find him and end his search.
:) <3
Even though she doesn't fully understand the situation, and how God plays a huge part in mine and how I can't possibly move on; just knowing that I am not alone helps so much. Just knowing that some stranger cared enough to write me back. That changes things
Tonight I wrote an email to a stranger. Today I told someon about the silly mundane problem that was plauging my heart and really tearing me down. Not the big issues, not the brokeness, just the silly little things we call life. This is what she wrote back.
You honestly remind me a lot of myself.
But I'm also 18, and my best friend is a just-turned 18 year old boy in high school, who I'm madly in love with.
I've been where you've been. And it's hell. I woke up every morning thinking exactly what you're thinking: "If he can't love me, who will? Who can I depend on if not him?"
I'm not going to tell you that there will always be other boys. Because I know that won't mean a damn thing to you. He's all you want, all you need. He makes it easier just to live, to breathe, to BE.
But if you're as madly in love with him as I am with mine, I can honestly say that friendship isn't a good plan. Because you'll know you're not his everything. And that will eat you alive for the next forever. You need to find the strength to move beyond him.
This boy of mine is my boyfriend. We started dating last February. But in October, he left me. For another girl. And it destroyed me. And I felt like if I couldn't rely on him to be my everything, well then who could I rely on? But that changes. And it takes a LOT of time, and effort, and a lot of lies to yourself. You have to make yourself believe that you don't ACTUALLY need him like you think you do. And after a while, you start to believe it.
But there's something you don't need to lie about: You ARE worth someone's time. You're worth EVERYONE'S time. And just because that boy doesn't like you, doesn't mean others won't. You're beautiful. You're intelligent. You're deep. All you need to do is find the people who can and will appreciate that. And you'll find them.
My advice? Maybe try not talking to each other for a couple of weeks. If you're falling for him, and he isn't falling right there with you, maybe wean yourself off of him. Talking to him will only make it worse.
It helped me. Maybe it'll do the same for you.
And again, Tori, you're a wonderful person. You'll never be "just second best". Not to everyone. There's someone out there waiting for you to take that "top priority" ranking in their listing. Go find him and end his search.
:) <3
Even though she doesn't fully understand the situation, and how God plays a huge part in mine and how I can't possibly move on; just knowing that I am not alone helps so much. Just knowing that some stranger cared enough to write me back. That changes things
Sunday, March 6, 2011
It was the best of time, it was the worst of times...
Ok... so actually it was neither. But it was a buttload of stress.
I got very little sleep last night due to being up the whole night with really bad cramps. So when I awoke at 7:30 (for the 5th or so time) I was tired but excited to get ready. I was supposed to be on the woship team this morning for church (just singing) and was a little bit nervous because we hadn't practiced yet. So I went and got ready and the first mishap happened. This wasn't a big deal or anything but my hair and makeup simply refused to look good today. I couldn't make them work. And as any girl knows this can pretty much put you into a funk all day. So I was a little fed up with that when I got a series of text messages that pretty much stressed me out of my head.
To summerize the texts, the worship leader was very very sick and all of our skilled guitarist/singer/leaders were unable to play today. Since I have (MINOR) piano skills and very awesome (allthought today they were really off) singing skills they wanted me to LEAD worship, without any practice or advance knowledge. So I did. When I was driving to my worship leader's house to pick up some music my car also decided to spazz out and make gross noises. Now PRAISE GOD that it is no longer doing that but it really spazzed me out.
When I got to the church it was only me and our wonderful drummer Keegan. We couldn't figure out how to work the soundboard so we had to call in our amazing sound guy Chase. After about a half hour of me spazzing out trying to improv the songs our basist Daniel showed up and about 15 minutes before church Daniel switched from bass to vocals (thankfully he is a wonderful singer) and Chris (our great guitarist) and Tai (who is good at pretty much any instrument, but today was on the bass) came in and we got in a little bit of practicing.
So we prayed that God would bring things together, and while it wasn't a super good performance it came together and considering the circumstances it was pretty good. But I almost had a mental breakdown from all the stress. I was confused at why I was so stressed at somethign that wouldn't normall mess with me until I remembered the whole PMS thing which explained the random crying and being overly stressed. But through that wonderful moring God taught me a couple important things.
1. No matter how hard you plan, you can't plan for everything
I had been so careful last night to plan for everything. I got my breakfast prepared, I had my makeup and hairthings laid out, my outfit hung on the back of my door; all so I wouldn't have any stress this morning. But God had other things in store and was simply saying, trust me. God had it all under control the whole time.
2. I am NOTHING without God.
The idea that I could do anythign that happened this morning on my own is crazy. I am not super skilled at worship leading, but apparently God wanted me to do it today. But without God none of that would have happened.
3. I have friends who are there to cover for me.
It might mean nothing to anyone else but moving Daniel to vocals totally saved my life. I am VERY hard to sing with unless I am very focused on trying to blend. I have a great solo voice and can harmonize well but when I am singing the same thing as someone else I tend to be obnoxious and annoying. Thankfully Daniel knows me well enough to know that. Also I wasn't prepared to LEAD. That wasn't something I was used to. Simply having him there to bail me out when I forgot to say "You may be seated" or something meant a lot.
4. Feelings mean nothing
As I said before, I was spazzing beyond belief. Random crying fits, so stressed I was going to puke, ect. But these feelings reflected nothing about the situation, they only reflected a hormonal imbalance. Philipians 4:8 says "Whatever is true, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is honorable, whatever is excellent and worthy of praise think on these things". Nothing that I was feeling was TRUE to the situation. They weren't pure, lovely, or honorable. They weren't worth thinking about.
5 God doesn't wait for you to be ready to serve Him.
God doesn't wait until you are rehearsed. God doesn't wait for you to know the whole Bible. God doesn't even give you advanced notice. God just says serve. God called me WAY off guard this morning but was still able to use me to serve Him. If I had been picking I would have said to wait until I had practiced, or to wait until I learned to play better, or to wait until.... But God wanted me THEN, So I did.
Anyway... It's been an eventful morning. But GOd is good. And I can only hope today gets better
I got very little sleep last night due to being up the whole night with really bad cramps. So when I awoke at 7:30 (for the 5th or so time) I was tired but excited to get ready. I was supposed to be on the woship team this morning for church (just singing) and was a little bit nervous because we hadn't practiced yet. So I went and got ready and the first mishap happened. This wasn't a big deal or anything but my hair and makeup simply refused to look good today. I couldn't make them work. And as any girl knows this can pretty much put you into a funk all day. So I was a little fed up with that when I got a series of text messages that pretty much stressed me out of my head.
To summerize the texts, the worship leader was very very sick and all of our skilled guitarist/singer/leaders were unable to play today. Since I have (MINOR) piano skills and very awesome (allthought today they were really off) singing skills they wanted me to LEAD worship, without any practice or advance knowledge. So I did. When I was driving to my worship leader's house to pick up some music my car also decided to spazz out and make gross noises. Now PRAISE GOD that it is no longer doing that but it really spazzed me out.
When I got to the church it was only me and our wonderful drummer Keegan. We couldn't figure out how to work the soundboard so we had to call in our amazing sound guy Chase. After about a half hour of me spazzing out trying to improv the songs our basist Daniel showed up and about 15 minutes before church Daniel switched from bass to vocals (thankfully he is a wonderful singer) and Chris (our great guitarist) and Tai (who is good at pretty much any instrument, but today was on the bass) came in and we got in a little bit of practicing.
So we prayed that God would bring things together, and while it wasn't a super good performance it came together and considering the circumstances it was pretty good. But I almost had a mental breakdown from all the stress. I was confused at why I was so stressed at somethign that wouldn't normall mess with me until I remembered the whole PMS thing which explained the random crying and being overly stressed. But through that wonderful moring God taught me a couple important things.
1. No matter how hard you plan, you can't plan for everything
I had been so careful last night to plan for everything. I got my breakfast prepared, I had my makeup and hairthings laid out, my outfit hung on the back of my door; all so I wouldn't have any stress this morning. But God had other things in store and was simply saying, trust me. God had it all under control the whole time.
2. I am NOTHING without God.
The idea that I could do anythign that happened this morning on my own is crazy. I am not super skilled at worship leading, but apparently God wanted me to do it today. But without God none of that would have happened.
3. I have friends who are there to cover for me.
It might mean nothing to anyone else but moving Daniel to vocals totally saved my life. I am VERY hard to sing with unless I am very focused on trying to blend. I have a great solo voice and can harmonize well but when I am singing the same thing as someone else I tend to be obnoxious and annoying. Thankfully Daniel knows me well enough to know that. Also I wasn't prepared to LEAD. That wasn't something I was used to. Simply having him there to bail me out when I forgot to say "You may be seated" or something meant a lot.
4. Feelings mean nothing
As I said before, I was spazzing beyond belief. Random crying fits, so stressed I was going to puke, ect. But these feelings reflected nothing about the situation, they only reflected a hormonal imbalance. Philipians 4:8 says "Whatever is true, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is honorable, whatever is excellent and worthy of praise think on these things". Nothing that I was feeling was TRUE to the situation. They weren't pure, lovely, or honorable. They weren't worth thinking about.
5 God doesn't wait for you to be ready to serve Him.
God doesn't wait until you are rehearsed. God doesn't wait for you to know the whole Bible. God doesn't even give you advanced notice. God just says serve. God called me WAY off guard this morning but was still able to use me to serve Him. If I had been picking I would have said to wait until I had practiced, or to wait until I learned to play better, or to wait until.... But God wanted me THEN, So I did.
Anyway... It's been an eventful morning. But GOd is good. And I can only hope today gets better
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I Decide :-)
Does anyone remember that Lindsay Lohan song from a few years back? If not go watch Princess Diares 2. Anyway it's not really a super good song and it's basically telling everyone off and she's going to make her own choices regardless of what anyone thinks. But the chorus randomally came to my mind today.
I decide how I live
I decide who I love
And no one gets to make my mind up I decide
I decide where I go
Where I sleep, who I know
I'm the one who runs my life
I decide
Considering I think we all know what happened to Lindsay recently we know that this life philosophy didn't really work out for her. But there is some truth in this song. Our choices are ours to make and we have the responsibility for them.
I know it's going to sound silly that I JUST discoverd this... but I did!
We get to chose to do things or not!
We don't have to do somethign because others are doing them, or people would be mad, or for any reason really. It's always a choice. Just because I feel one way doesn't mean that I have to act that way. I have the choice about what I do. I have the choice to when I'm pissed off drop to my knees and pray for someone or to deck them then and there. I have the choice. It's as simple as that.
But we always have to live with the consequences of our choices. But they are our choices to make.
I decide how I live
I decide who I love
And no one gets to make my mind up I decide
I decide where I go
Where I sleep, who I know
I'm the one who runs my life
I decide
Considering I think we all know what happened to Lindsay recently we know that this life philosophy didn't really work out for her. But there is some truth in this song. Our choices are ours to make and we have the responsibility for them.
I know it's going to sound silly that I JUST discoverd this... but I did!
We get to chose to do things or not!
We don't have to do somethign because others are doing them, or people would be mad, or for any reason really. It's always a choice. Just because I feel one way doesn't mean that I have to act that way. I have the choice about what I do. I have the choice to when I'm pissed off drop to my knees and pray for someone or to deck them then and there. I have the choice. It's as simple as that.
But we always have to live with the consequences of our choices. But they are our choices to make.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Praise God for Friends
"Hey... Text me if you're around"
An hour or so later
"I'm sorry Torri"
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because I know how you feel"
"Well thanks then. Today has just been too much"
"I know. I won't be back till late but if you need to talk with someone face to face let me know"
"k. Thanks for beign willing to talk if I need it. I just need to keep reminding myself that God's sovreingty is not depandant on how I feel"
"Yeah. Just remember that tonight. And I don't know how much sleep you got but you probably need to rest"
Praise God for friends who don't need too many words. Who just know struggles and are there.
An hour or so later
"I'm sorry Torri"
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because I know how you feel"
"Well thanks then. Today has just been too much"
"I know. I won't be back till late but if you need to talk with someone face to face let me know"
"k. Thanks for beign willing to talk if I need it. I just need to keep reminding myself that God's sovreingty is not depandant on how I feel"
"Yeah. Just remember that tonight. And I don't know how much sleep you got but you probably need to rest"
Praise God for friends who don't need too many words. Who just know struggles and are there.
Sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you pray
Sometiems it doesn't matter how hard you pray. How delibrate you are. How exact you are. Sometimes there is no reason. Sometimes no matter how hard you pray you can't change things around. The sin just invades. People hurt. Beauty is destroyed. And no matter how much you plead with the almighty God, nothing happens.
Yet I keep trusting God with all my heart. Because he has a reason. There is good through the pain. Somewhere, someday there will be good from it. I don't know when, or how, but someday it will be there.
Prayer is the most powerful weapon I have. Pleading with the Almighty is the biggest and best tool in my arsenol. But sometimes it just does nothing. Sometimes things just keep happening. And there is nothing,
Today I found myself asking what the reason for this world is. If there is just so much hurt and so much pretending it's not there, why? So I typed in "the reason for the world" into google and this is what came up.
Yet I keep trusting God with all my heart. Because he has a reason. There is good through the pain. Somewhere, someday there will be good from it. I don't know when, or how, but someday it will be there.
Prayer is the most powerful weapon I have. Pleading with the Almighty is the biggest and best tool in my arsenol. But sometimes it just does nothing. Sometimes things just keep happening. And there is nothing,
Today I found myself asking what the reason for this world is. If there is just so much hurt and so much pretending it's not there, why? So I typed in "the reason for the world" into google and this is what came up.
I guess this is what it comes down to
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Seriously... just keep it in your pants
Day by day I lose hope for the world. So many people I know have been pregnant out of wedlock. So many people I know have been raped. So many people I know have been hit on in a way that made them REALLY uncomfortable. And I am really begining to wonder if there is anyone decent left.
And girl's aren't any better. We tempt you just to see if you'll love us without sex. But we all know you won't.
Vicious cycle.
And girl's aren't any better. We tempt you just to see if you'll love us without sex. But we all know you won't.
Vicious cycle.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
One Nice Thing
S0metimes just saying one nice thing can truly change someone's entire worldview.
The other day a friend and I were talking about facebook profile pictures. Talking mostly about how my friend's made them look weird. Then I made a comment about how my profile picture was just a weird picture of my arm. My friend replied with, "I know, what's with that? You have such a pretty face." I shrugged it off (a natural reaction for females and compliments)* but that really simply changed my outlook. I (as all females) struggle with self worth. And I don't get complimented hardly ever. So I try my hardest to take the complliments I get to heart.
I have come to realize that my facebook picture reflects how I feel about myself. I had recently changed it from a black background to a picture of my arm with the word agape written on it. This was hard enough for me to do. However after my friend said that I changed my picture to what it is now. A picture of me having fun with some wonderful girls. It may be a fairly old picture but I love it.
One simple kind word can change something simple, but it can also change a person's entire outlook. Even things that aren't compliments but a simple act of kindness like buying someone flowers (like a friend did for me recently) or simply inviting someone to play mexican train with you when they look down (as another friend did) makes a huge difference. Simply reaching out. One time, one word, one action, can really change things.
thanks
The other day a friend and I were talking about facebook profile pictures. Talking mostly about how my friend's made them look weird. Then I made a comment about how my profile picture was just a weird picture of my arm. My friend replied with, "I know, what's with that? You have such a pretty face." I shrugged it off (a natural reaction for females and compliments)* but that really simply changed my outlook. I (as all females) struggle with self worth. And I don't get complimented hardly ever. So I try my hardest to take the complliments I get to heart.
I have come to realize that my facebook picture reflects how I feel about myself. I had recently changed it from a black background to a picture of my arm with the word agape written on it. This was hard enough for me to do. However after my friend said that I changed my picture to what it is now. A picture of me having fun with some wonderful girls. It may be a fairly old picture but I love it.
One simple kind word can change something simple, but it can also change a person's entire outlook. Even things that aren't compliments but a simple act of kindness like buying someone flowers (like a friend did for me recently) or simply inviting someone to play mexican train with you when they look down (as another friend did) makes a huge difference. Simply reaching out. One time, one word, one action, can really change things.
thanks
Monday, February 21, 2011
Fight
Have you ever tried to win a fight without motivation. Well, this is a fight for motivation. Every moment is a fight to get out of bed, to do something purposeful. A fight to have a purpose. Trying to fill up every spare second of my time just so I can attempt to be doing some good. But it's all a fight, even posting this is a fight, the fight to refuse to do nothing. It's not a fight of lazyness but a fight of wortlessness. It's a fight for every joy big and small being zapped from my life. It's a fight, but not one I am willing to give up on.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Haze
(Edited Version)
So a girl just came into the cafe with a guy. She is a BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL AMAZING girl with some self worth issues. The guy she was with was fairly decent looking. She was sitting at the table talking about how ugly she was and how fat she was and the guy with her just said, "No. I think you're d*** good. And those other girls, they may be pretty but they got no personality. Girls like you are awesome and got the strongest personality. I like girls with personality." She said that personality only gets you so far and the guy with her just told her how much crap that was and using some curse words told her how amazing she was. They seemed like real raw people. People with problems, with issues, with stories, and just trying to make it. It was real, emotions, no hiding, no pretending. Just there.
So what's the problem with that. I know down in the depths of my soul that that guy was really bad for her. That he wasn't what God had for her. However I could feel myself wishing I was her with each word the guy spoke to her. I wanted someone to tell me I was pretty, that they wanted me, that they loved me. Someone to be open with and then have them tell me that they care.
You see I feel like I am torn between two worlds. One is raw, real, with parties and people striving for more. Cursing, just being real. Yeah there is real heartache, and real pain, but atleast it's real. It's pain you can feel and absorb and share. Then there is this other world. This christian world. I know that I have Christ and Christ is with me in whatever world I am in so I am not talking about God's world, but the christian world. This world there are times of real joy, real sorrow, but everything seems to be dulled. You can't feel real pain. It's like you are constantly in a haze. People are always "happy" and though there are tiems of joy beyond what I could imagine, real true joy, the haze is too much to deal w ith.
But I don't want to have to be in the haze. You see, there are times when I am with you that things just seem real. That we can talk about real things, hard things. But we can also talk about when God gave us a dream, a crazy fufuilled prayer, an epic realization that caused movement in our lives. Then God is real, God is raw, and God close; not someplace faraway in a haze. I don't have to abandon feelings or God, There is no more haze.
Cause there is a third world, which is where I want to be. The world which is clearer than I could ever imagine. Where things are real, there is no haze. Where there can be real hurt and real pain and real joy and real love. Honest... not a haze. It is a world I get an occasional chance to expeirience when I am with my best friend... but I still long for the love, and then I am drug back to the raw painful world I once came from.
But I need to hold tight to my savior. Jesus did not live in the religious haze of his time. He did not try to be good. He was better than we could ever imagine. He was real, with true pain and true joy. And He has a plan for me and a real world. Maybe he'll show me.
(unedited version available with text)
So a girl just came into the cafe with a guy. She is a BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL AMAZING girl with some self worth issues. The guy she was with was fairly decent looking. She was sitting at the table talking about how ugly she was and how fat she was and the guy with her just said, "No. I think you're d*** good. And those other girls, they may be pretty but they got no personality. Girls like you are awesome and got the strongest personality. I like girls with personality." She said that personality only gets you so far and the guy with her just told her how much crap that was and using some curse words told her how amazing she was. They seemed like real raw people. People with problems, with issues, with stories, and just trying to make it. It was real, emotions, no hiding, no pretending. Just there.
So what's the problem with that. I know down in the depths of my soul that that guy was really bad for her. That he wasn't what God had for her. However I could feel myself wishing I was her with each word the guy spoke to her. I wanted someone to tell me I was pretty, that they wanted me, that they loved me. Someone to be open with and then have them tell me that they care.
You see I feel like I am torn between two worlds. One is raw, real, with parties and people striving for more. Cursing, just being real. Yeah there is real heartache, and real pain, but atleast it's real. It's pain you can feel and absorb and share. Then there is this other world. This christian world. I know that I have Christ and Christ is with me in whatever world I am in so I am not talking about God's world, but the christian world. This world there are times of real joy, real sorrow, but everything seems to be dulled. You can't feel real pain. It's like you are constantly in a haze. People are always "happy" and though there are tiems of joy beyond what I could imagine, real true joy, the haze is too much to deal w ith.
But I don't want to have to be in the haze. You see, there are times when I am with you that things just seem real. That we can talk about real things, hard things. But we can also talk about when God gave us a dream, a crazy fufuilled prayer, an epic realization that caused movement in our lives. Then God is real, God is raw, and God close; not someplace faraway in a haze. I don't have to abandon feelings or God, There is no more haze.
Cause there is a third world, which is where I want to be. The world which is clearer than I could ever imagine. Where things are real, there is no haze. Where there can be real hurt and real pain and real joy and real love. Honest... not a haze. It is a world I get an occasional chance to expeirience when I am with my best friend... but I still long for the love, and then I am drug back to the raw painful world I once came from.
But I need to hold tight to my savior. Jesus did not live in the religious haze of his time. He did not try to be good. He was better than we could ever imagine. He was real, with true pain and true joy. And He has a plan for me and a real world. Maybe he'll show me.
(unedited version available with text)
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Genuine
Here is the truth... I'm a jerk. And I'm ok with that.
I am sick of people trying to change me. And I am sick of trying to change for people.
Now before any of you throw God at me, please remember, I am not saying I don't want God to change me.
I have come to the realization that yes, God is changing me every day to be more like Him. But that we are not all meant to be clones of each other. We all have different personalities and different traits and that's what makes us special.
I have come to realize that I'm not Holly Housewife. And I am not the ghetto street chick. I'm not goody two shoes church girl and I'm not the loner who sits in the corner.
I'm just me. And I have my days, just like anyone else.
I have a unique story. A unique history. Unique traits and unique expeiriences.
I don't need to be just like you.
It's what we've been through that make us who we are. The good times and bad.
So love me for my past, love me for my future, love me for what has happened, love me for what will happen, love me for my mistakes, love me for the wonderful achievements, love me for where I've been, love me for where I will go.
I was goign to post the lyrics from "Who will love me for me?" by JJ Heller but then I realized that in one line it says who will love me... "Not for what I have done or what I will become". But I want more than that. I want someone who loves me for what I have done, good and bad. And what I will become. Love me for the times I am crying in my closest, praying to God for a single ounce of hope, and love me for the times I am standing on stage proclaiming God's love and glory to a body of believers. Love me when I am fat. Love me when I am skinny. Love me when I look like crap. Love me when I look gorgeous.
Because I have a secret for you: All of this is what makes me, me.
If you want to befriend a cardboard cut out, someone with out hurt of pain, you should go do that.
If you want to befriend someone broken and hopeless, you should do that too.
But neither of those are me.
I have bad days, good days, a history dotted with tears and with smiles, with blood stains, and radiant sun.
And you do to.
So stop trying to be who you're not. If you'll be real with me, I'll be real with you.
Cause it's where we've been, the choices we've made, the good, the bad, and where we're going that makes us who we are.
And the strange thing is... with all that in mind. The tattered tapestry of life with all the good and bad... God still loves you. God still chose you. God still has a plan for you. God sees all of that and doesn't think of something bad, he sees a lost lamb, who He loves. A little lamb who He loves enough to leave 99 others to just search for you.
God knows you, and He loves you.
God knows me, and He loves me.
He doesn't love me for what I could be, but for who I am.
And He uses me.
I am sick of people trying to change me. And I am sick of trying to change for people.
Now before any of you throw God at me, please remember, I am not saying I don't want God to change me.
I have come to the realization that yes, God is changing me every day to be more like Him. But that we are not all meant to be clones of each other. We all have different personalities and different traits and that's what makes us special.
I have come to realize that I'm not Holly Housewife. And I am not the ghetto street chick. I'm not goody two shoes church girl and I'm not the loner who sits in the corner.
I'm just me. And I have my days, just like anyone else.
I have a unique story. A unique history. Unique traits and unique expeiriences.
I don't need to be just like you.
It's what we've been through that make us who we are. The good times and bad.
So love me for my past, love me for my future, love me for what has happened, love me for what will happen, love me for my mistakes, love me for the wonderful achievements, love me for where I've been, love me for where I will go.
I was goign to post the lyrics from "Who will love me for me?" by JJ Heller but then I realized that in one line it says who will love me... "Not for what I have done or what I will become". But I want more than that. I want someone who loves me for what I have done, good and bad. And what I will become. Love me for the times I am crying in my closest, praying to God for a single ounce of hope, and love me for the times I am standing on stage proclaiming God's love and glory to a body of believers. Love me when I am fat. Love me when I am skinny. Love me when I look like crap. Love me when I look gorgeous.
Because I have a secret for you: All of this is what makes me, me.
If you want to befriend a cardboard cut out, someone with out hurt of pain, you should go do that.
If you want to befriend someone broken and hopeless, you should do that too.
But neither of those are me.
I have bad days, good days, a history dotted with tears and with smiles, with blood stains, and radiant sun.
And you do to.
So stop trying to be who you're not. If you'll be real with me, I'll be real with you.
Cause it's where we've been, the choices we've made, the good, the bad, and where we're going that makes us who we are.
And the strange thing is... with all that in mind. The tattered tapestry of life with all the good and bad... God still loves you. God still chose you. God still has a plan for you. God sees all of that and doesn't think of something bad, he sees a lost lamb, who He loves. A little lamb who He loves enough to leave 99 others to just search for you.
God knows you, and He loves you.
God knows me, and He loves me.
He doesn't love me for what I could be, but for who I am.
And He uses me.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Handing it over
Some nights it hurts to remember. It hurts to remember the trials we have gone through, the loss that we face, the fact that every moment there are problems that are hard to face. Facing death, facing the worst. It hurts and can drag you down.
But here is the truth. We don't have to carry our burdens.
Cause the truth is, they aren't ours to carry.
We can't be afraid of losing people because they were never ours to have.
You can't not forgive someone because they didn't give you anything you didn't deserve.
You deserve pain, and ultimately death.
That is the state we are in.
But someone died to give you life.
He died so he could carry your burdens.
He died to give us life, to give us what we don't deserve, because he loves us.
I was going to try to say something inspirational or something to end this but I think the hymnwriter does it better.
"What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and needs to bear, what a privelidge to carry, everything to God in prayer. Oh what peace we often forfit, oh what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer."
But here is the truth. We don't have to carry our burdens.
Cause the truth is, they aren't ours to carry.
We can't be afraid of losing people because they were never ours to have.
You can't not forgive someone because they didn't give you anything you didn't deserve.
You deserve pain, and ultimately death.
That is the state we are in.
But someone died to give you life.
He died so he could carry your burdens.
He died to give us life, to give us what we don't deserve, because he loves us.
I was going to try to say something inspirational or something to end this but I think the hymnwriter does it better.
"What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and needs to bear, what a privelidge to carry, everything to God in prayer. Oh what peace we often forfit, oh what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer."
Monday, January 17, 2011
Purpose
" Look at your life and see how you have filled it's emptiness up with people. As a result they have a stronghold on you. see how they conrol your behavior by thier approval or disapproval. They hold the power to ease your loneliness with thier company, to send your spirits soaring with thier praise, to bring you down to the depth with thier critisim and rejection. take a look at yourself spending almost every waking moment of your day placating and pleasing people, whether they are living or dead. You live by thier norms, conform to thier standards, seek thier company, desire thier love, dread thier ridicule, long for thier applause, meekly submist to the guilt they lay upon you; you are terrified to go against the fashion in the way you dress or speak or act or even think." ~I forgot who wrote this but it was an awesome book.
Today I got to have a good long talk with my best friend. We are both pretty much at a point in our lives where the future lies before us. And we were talking about how we don't know how much longer God is going to keep us in this area. And the truth is I have known this for a long time. I have known that where I am now is a good thing, but I know that God doesn't want me here for long. It has become clearly evidant to me. I have have come to realize that the only thing that is keeping me here is people.
People hold so much power over us it's not even funny. We don't want to be separated from those we love, we don't want to be near those we hate, we would do anything to keep them happy. But that's not what any of it's about. I knew about halfway through last semester that God did not want me to stay in Springville with my family. God wanted me to break away from them no matter how much I love them and to trust Him. So my next step was to hold on to all my friends by moving to Ephraim. But it has become evident that while God is allowing me a beautiful time of transition, this is NOT where He wants me. And I need to be ready to just trust Him WHEREVER He leads me.
I told my friend tonight that I was just afraid to go somewhere alone. But honestly, I will never be alone. God is always with me, and I hear Him calling to me telling me to come along with Him for this ride. It's not going to be easy. There will be tears and so much more but I need time to simply grow in HIM. God has a purpose for my life. I have recenlty read excerpts from the book "Just Do Something" which seems to be about just doing something as long as it is good. But I am not sure I buy that. I believe that God has a major plan for my life and while I believe He is going to use every little thing that happens along the way, He has a masterpeice in mind. And I am going to seek that with all of my heart. I may stumble along the way but God has a plan for each moment of myl ife and I know that there is some reason I am going in to all of this.
So I have decided to not let people consume my life. Dearest friend and family, I love you. I love you with all my heart and can not think of what my life would be without you. God has placed you in my life for a reason and I thank Him every day for that. But I am not going to stay here for you any longer. That doesn't mean that I won't stay here, but I need to stop staying because I am afraid of losing you. You were never mine in the first place. And God provided for me beyond my wildest imagination when I left Massachusetts to move to Utah so why wouldn't He do that again. I love you guys but I am ready to start the wildest ride of my life, a ride full of ups and downs and twists and turns and I will always love and want to connect with you but the only person I should have roots in is Jesus Christ, my maker and king. The one who gives and takes away. The one who pours down blessings. So I'm starting this ride. NO idea where it will take me. But I'm ready to start.
I want to end with some lines from a kids song but it really makes sense here:
"I am off on the ultimate adventure. Trusting Jesus all along the way. To the truth of God's word I will surrender, as I follow Him each and every day. Over sky, under sea, in the wild, Christ with me. Here at home, around the world, His love is clear to see. Won't you come along with me on the ultimate adventure. I will train for the mission he has for me. I will trust in HIm to give the victory. As I read His word and pray He gives direction, no matter where I am from day to day. Over sky, under sea in the wild Christ with me. Here at home, around the world, His love is clear to see. Won't you come along with me on the Ultimate Adventure!"
Today I got to have a good long talk with my best friend. We are both pretty much at a point in our lives where the future lies before us. And we were talking about how we don't know how much longer God is going to keep us in this area. And the truth is I have known this for a long time. I have known that where I am now is a good thing, but I know that God doesn't want me here for long. It has become clearly evidant to me. I have have come to realize that the only thing that is keeping me here is people.
People hold so much power over us it's not even funny. We don't want to be separated from those we love, we don't want to be near those we hate, we would do anything to keep them happy. But that's not what any of it's about. I knew about halfway through last semester that God did not want me to stay in Springville with my family. God wanted me to break away from them no matter how much I love them and to trust Him. So my next step was to hold on to all my friends by moving to Ephraim. But it has become evident that while God is allowing me a beautiful time of transition, this is NOT where He wants me. And I need to be ready to just trust Him WHEREVER He leads me.
I told my friend tonight that I was just afraid to go somewhere alone. But honestly, I will never be alone. God is always with me, and I hear Him calling to me telling me to come along with Him for this ride. It's not going to be easy. There will be tears and so much more but I need time to simply grow in HIM. God has a purpose for my life. I have recenlty read excerpts from the book "Just Do Something" which seems to be about just doing something as long as it is good. But I am not sure I buy that. I believe that God has a major plan for my life and while I believe He is going to use every little thing that happens along the way, He has a masterpeice in mind. And I am going to seek that with all of my heart. I may stumble along the way but God has a plan for each moment of myl ife and I know that there is some reason I am going in to all of this.
So I have decided to not let people consume my life. Dearest friend and family, I love you. I love you with all my heart and can not think of what my life would be without you. God has placed you in my life for a reason and I thank Him every day for that. But I am not going to stay here for you any longer. That doesn't mean that I won't stay here, but I need to stop staying because I am afraid of losing you. You were never mine in the first place. And God provided for me beyond my wildest imagination when I left Massachusetts to move to Utah so why wouldn't He do that again. I love you guys but I am ready to start the wildest ride of my life, a ride full of ups and downs and twists and turns and I will always love and want to connect with you but the only person I should have roots in is Jesus Christ, my maker and king. The one who gives and takes away. The one who pours down blessings. So I'm starting this ride. NO idea where it will take me. But I'm ready to start.
I want to end with some lines from a kids song but it really makes sense here:
"I am off on the ultimate adventure. Trusting Jesus all along the way. To the truth of God's word I will surrender, as I follow Him each and every day. Over sky, under sea, in the wild, Christ with me. Here at home, around the world, His love is clear to see. Won't you come along with me on the ultimate adventure. I will train for the mission he has for me. I will trust in HIm to give the victory. As I read His word and pray He gives direction, no matter where I am from day to day. Over sky, under sea in the wild Christ with me. Here at home, around the world, His love is clear to see. Won't you come along with me on the Ultimate Adventure!"
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Whatever you're doing...
"Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see but I'm giving in to something heavenly." ~ Sanctus Real
The past 13 days have been a wild roller coaster ride. 2011 has been basically the longest year of my life and it's only January 13th. The new year started out with my lowest of lows and I've already had some pretty great highs. God is working in me and hopefully through me like crazy. At the new year I was down to nothing spiritually, and last night I was asked to play a song I wrote about God's love for a group of missionaries from Biola University and everyone loved it and I was told that it resignated in several hearts. I've been able to do things like I've never imagined and I have been able to touch lives.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I just know that this junk is blowing my mind.
The past 13 days have been a wild roller coaster ride. 2011 has been basically the longest year of my life and it's only January 13th. The new year started out with my lowest of lows and I've already had some pretty great highs. God is working in me and hopefully through me like crazy. At the new year I was down to nothing spiritually, and last night I was asked to play a song I wrote about God's love for a group of missionaries from Biola University and everyone loved it and I was told that it resignated in several hearts. I've been able to do things like I've never imagined and I have been able to touch lives.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I just know that this junk is blowing my mind.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
If I let you reach me, wIll you teach me?
Praise God for his infinate goodniess and knowlegde wich exceeds anything I could ever think.
Each of us has a story. It is filled with pain, joys, smiles, and tears. It all winds together in a unique tapestry. But never forget about the promise God makes us, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~ Romas 8:28
Not only does God promise us good, but He promises thata we are chosen according to HIS PURPOSE! How amazing is that! God wants to take us, with our messed up crap and make a beautiful story out of it. Don't believe me, let's look at the life of the man who is best known for being a man after God's own heart; David.
David was just a little sheperd boy. He was the youngest in his family which pretty much meant that he had the least hopes out of anyone to become something. He sat with sheep in a feild which is pretty much the equivilent to the guy who cleans the portapotties. But that scrawny kid is the one who saved the isrealites from the philistine army. Not because of anything he was or did, but because he loved God and let Him work. This boy became king as well. It wasn't easy. He was almost killed several times and spent much of his young adulthood running for his life. The best part is, when he fianally became king he was still a major screw up! He peeped on a chick getting dressed, stole her from her house, slept with her, and then when he found out she was pregnant, he KILLED her husband. And yeah, God dealt with the sin. But David is still held as a man of God. Read through the psalms and you'll see what I mean. He laments, he praises, any sane person would think he is bipolar. But THAT is who GOD promises to use. Those of us who have no hope. God doesn't take an exalted person and exalt them more, but He does take the broken and lift them up, so HE ONLY gets the glory.
Watch this video if you haven't already. Look at the life of Jospeh. Joseph was an obnoxious little kid. He was daddy's favorite and all of his brothers knew it. They resented them so much they wanted to kill him! Instead they threw him in a pit and then sold him into slavery. After that he thought life was going to get better, he had a pretty cushy slave job and was earning favor with Potifer. But then Potifer's wife went all pyscho lustful and accused to poor guy of rape. He got thrown in jail to rot for life. It wasn't till God gave him the ability to interpret dreams that things started to get better. That's the point in the story where the above video comes in. But after he is taken out of jail, and offered the position of the second in command of Egypt which ended up saving the lives of not only the Egyptions but also the lives of his family who later bow down before his feet.
In ending.... God knows WAY better than we ever will. And there is a nothing we can do to help God out and nothing we can do to screw God up.
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