My Purity Ring: Not what it seems

Everyone knows what the basic purity ring means. It means that you "promise" that you won't have sex until marriage. It is used in just about every youth group across America and portrayed in several TV shows as a weak and prude symbol that most kids just end up breaking anyway. While my ring does fufill this basic purpose, that is not its main function.

I have a silver band that I wear on my right ring finger. In the middle it has a cross with a (REALLY FAKE) diamond like stone in the middle. Around the ring it says "God's love never fails (1 Cor 13:4-8)". Those verses read, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices when the truth wins out. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perserveres. Love never fails."

To me this ring means something very special. It means that I am worth it. Now this may sound cocky to some or you might be tempted to bring up that Paul said that we are basically lower than dirt but I think that you need to understand my background for this to work. Over my lifetime I have stuggled with depression, self harm, eating disorders (hard to believe, I know), perpetual dating, and others because I didn't think I was good enough.

NOTE: I know that putting all this on the internet could come back to haunt me. But I pray that any employer or whatever who happens to find this will realize that I am a human with faults. But God is changing my heart every day and I strongly believe that if we share our struggles and what HE has done in our lives, it will change other people's lives for the better as well.

When I look down at my ring it reminds me of what Christ did for ME. I know that for me and several other people, Satan has actually twisted God's word into reading, "For God so loved the world (except me), that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever (except me) believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." Things got so bad that I thought that life wasn't worth living, that no one wanted me. No matter who showed me love, Satan would just whisper in my ear that they were only loving me for my works, not for who I was. And that I would never be good enough. This is my background. This is why believing I am worth something is so... well... EPIC! :D I remember the first night I started to believe this at all when the Holy Spirit worked through a dear friend of mine and a text message. It read;

"Well I can tell you that all the love that God poured into the sacrifiice of His son was for you Victoria Anne Egan. I can also tell you that even as Jesus was being nailed to the cross He was thinking of going to prepare a place for you Victoria Anne Egan so that you could be with Him for all eternity so that no matter what Satan did you could never be taken from Him."

This was the turning point. The myth that I had believed was spelled out, right there in front of me. From that point on an epic battle was waged. The lies Satan was feeding me v.s. the Truth of Jesus Christ. I am incredibly thankful to inform you that the truth has won out. It took some time and some fighting, but the truth ALWAYS wins out eventually.

So after a long epic battle (if you want to know that story I would love to tell you) I came to my purity ring. Purity actually means, "free from sin or guilt, innocence." I want to be free from guilt but mostly I want to be innocent. I want to be restored. Reminds me fo song lyrics:

"I want to be innocent, your's wholeheartedly. Innocent, every part of me. Take me back so I can see the way that love was meant to be."

That pretty much says it all. God pleast take me back so I can see the way that love was meant to be. That started with the fact that GOD LOVES ME! God created me and loves me. There is nothing I could do to change that. End of story.

So when I look down at my ring it reminds me of the innocence I strive for. The idea that God loves me and that He has amazing plans for me. It reminds me that I am better. Not so much better, but loved by one who wants to best for me and would be so sad if I didn't wait on Him. So when I look down at that ring it says, "You are beautiful. I made you and I love you. You are a precious temple of God and don't mutilate that. Don't desecrate yourself. You do not need the love of a passing guy to make you whole. I make you whole. And I will provide you everything you need and desire in MY time."

So that's the story of my purity ring. It might be a little unconventional but whatever, since when have I been your average person? (I just got a really strong desire to say your average bear right then :)) I thought about it because my friend saw the ring and asked if it had any special meaning and I guess this blog answers it. :)

This is my prayer to you, God.

To you I give my life, not just the parts I want to. To you I sacrifice these dreams that I hold onto. Your thoughts are higher than mine. Your words are deeper than mine. Your love is stronger than mine. This is no sacrifice; Here's my life. To you I give the gifts your love has given me. How can I hoard the treasure that you designed for free? Because your thoughts are higher than mine. Your words are deeper than mine. Your love is stronger than mine. This is no sacrifice; here's my life. To you I give my future, as long as it may last. To you I give my present. To you I give my past. Because your thoughts are higher than mine. Your words are deeper than mine. Your love is stronger than mine. Your thoughts are higher than mine. Your words are deeper than mine. Your love is stronger than mine. This is no sacrifice. Here's my life.

The Wedding That Changed My Life

I know this sounds really weird. No, it was not my secret wedding. Infact I didn't even know the people who were getting married. But God used it to answer all my questions. So in the interest of being 100% real and transparent with all of you, here is the story:



Dear Adam and Elya (a.k.a. Mr. and Mrs. Mckinley)
I know that you guys don't know me and I don't really know you. But I went to your wedding this past Saturday (My Aunt is Rita Vega and she knew EVERYONE at the wedding) and it really changed and effected my lfie. I know that you are both very strong in the Lord and desire to tell and show others about Him and that is what you did, even through your wedding. So even though this is a little... different... I thought you guys would like to know.
All throughout my life I have wondered what makes me worth waiting for. It wasn't until my time in Texas with Teen Mania Ministries and some time with a few friends that I realized who I was in God's eyes. But lately the world has been creeping in and I have simply been wondering what it is that God wants for me. One of my dearest friends said that he didn't want to kiss anyone until he was married and I could never quite decide if that was silly or beautiful. I had purchased a purity ring but I hadn't started to diligently wear it because honestly in my heart I thought... What's the point? God can't really care about this? I am going to have to do all of this on my own? Getting married is just a silly fantasy. I need to take care of myself.
Ok, now that you know all about the strang girl who is writing you, let's get to your wedding. My Aunt invited me to go and I got there and it was SO BEAUTIFUL. (I really hope it was everything that you had ever wished for and then some) Then I read in your program about the story of the key. (THE STORY OF THE KEY: Elya had been wearing a key around her neck for the past five years. This was the key to her heart. She guarded it dilligently to save and give to her husband on her wedding day) I thought that was the most beautiful thing ever. Then someone in the crowd said that you had never kissed before. I didn't think that anyone actually did that. Anyway, the wedding started and you looked absolutly amazing Elya. You both said your vows about having a love for each other that only Christ could give you. It was so God filled, and Spirit filled and yet there was just an amazing fun spirit to the whole wedding. It was the most child like, innocent,... No the PUREST thing I have ever seen.
But the thing that got to me most was when Annaliese and Nic started singing "How He Loves". Seeing the two of you worship like that at your wedding was amazing. You were able to take a day that was suposed to be all about you and turn ALL of the glory over to God. It was the most beautiful and pure moment I have ever seen. This is when God whispered in my ear, "This is what I want for you." and I just started crying. My brain just couldn't handle the simplest form of love, love as how it should be. (I still think I was the biggest sap there because I didn't even know you and was crying more than anyone else).

The moral of the story: Ever since that moment I wear my purity ring every day. God has told me that HE is in control of my life and relationships, or even lack of relationships. God has shown me what HE wants for me and that doesn't nessisarily mean a beautiful wedding just like yours but it does mean that HE wants me to experience that simple pure form of love, the love that HE has for me and let it consume me no matter who I am with. I know that you two are both fairly mission minded and I want you guys to realize that when you live your lives with Christ in the center, it is HIM who shines through. He used you guys to change my life and hopefully my future. Thank you both for following God. I know that He will use you two in mightly ways in the future. Thank you.
God's greatest blessing and love from a sister in Christ,
Torri

Tenth Avenue North - "Healing Begins" Video Journal

Love rejoices when the truth wins out

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do so we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up are just glass on the outside

So let them fall down. There's freedom waiting in the sound.
When you let your walls fall to the ground, we're here now.

This is where the healing begins.
This is where the healing starts.
When you come to where you're broken within; The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide, come crashing through the door now
To scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find that the shame won't disapear

So let them fall down. There's freedom waiting in the sound.
When you let you let your walls fall to the ground, we're here now.
We're here now

This is where the healing begins.
This is where the healing starts.
When you come to where you're broken within; the light meets the dark

Stars will fly as grace collides with the dark inside of us
So please don't fight this coming light
Let this blood come cover us. HIS blood can cover us.

This is where the healing begins.
This is where the healing starts.
Come to where you're broken within; the light meets the dark.


Those are some of my FAVORITE song lyrics. That is "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North.

(watch the video below before reading on)

I think that sometime we all want to confess only the BIG sins. Like porn, drugs, or anything else that is socially BAD. But I think that sometimes pride is way more destructive.

I know someone who is ruining thier lives by trying to be thier own savior. They spend their life trying to be all perfect and don't let down any walls. Thier inside world is crumbling and everyone can see. But they refuse to be anything but their own savior.

And I think we are all guilty of that at some point. That's why I made this blog. To start being real. To avoid my life from becoming full of walls. And I pray that you all will let your walls down too

The doll who thought she was broken (a companion to "My little rant on women of the church" on my "One simple random God filled life" blog

Once upon a time there was a little doll. She loved to dress up and pretend she was a princess. She loved to sing and dance and just be who she was. But soon she started to see things that got her very confused.

She saw dolls on tv, she saw dolls in magazines, she saw dolls in adds that said, "I'm the doll next door, just like you", but there was one major problem... She didn't look anything like these dolls. Her teeth weren't straight, her hair wouldn't go, she was bigger, she was darker, and so many more things were just wrong. She sat and stared. "Why am I so wrong?" was all she thought.

She cried at night when no one was watching. She knew she was so wrong but she didn't know how to fix it. Soon she saw adds that said, "Look like this!". She grabbed at them and couldn't wait to see what it said. She tried everything; fad diets, workouts, hair products, retainers, makeup, and everything else.

But none of it worked. Not a single bit. And now she knew she was even more wrong because people didn't treat her the way they treated those girls on the tv shows. Guys didn't want to date her and the ones who did, didn't really love her. She was just forever doomed to be wrong.

She stopped eating. She thought that maybe if she didn't eat she could be the same size as those girls. And when she would break down and eat she would feel SO guilty. She knew she was forever doomed to be wrong. She would punish herself. She started bruising herself and cutting herself, just so that it would leave tiny scars; reminding herself and everyone else just how wrong she was.

Eventually she realized that she would never be right. No one was goign to ever love her like they loved those dollls on TV. She began to think, "Why should I even live if I am that wrong?"

This is not only my story but the story of so many girls I have met and so many more that I haven't. Thankfully my story has a happy ending.

As the little doll was thinking this her father entered the room. "Darling," he said. "Why are you crying?" The little doll didn't know what to do. She was too ashamed to even be in her father's presense. He deserved something perfect, something that she wasn't. Her father picked her up and held her in his arms. "I made you" He whispered. "I love you. You are so beautiful in my sight." The little doll just cried harder. "But I'm broken." she cried.

The Father just chuckled. "You arn't broken." He said. "I made you that way. I made you beautiful." The Father pulled out a photograph of a little doll in a bright pink dress swirling around in the sun. This little doll wasn't perfect but she was happy and she looked more beautiful than anything the little doll had seen. "Who is this little doll?" She asked. "Why isn't she the one on tv?" "That little doll," The father replied. "Is you."

The little dolls eyes welled up with tears. This is you before you tried to be who you weren't. This is who I created. This is you when you were happy. This is how I created you.

God created you just the way you are and loves you just the way you are. It took me a long time, and a destructive path to figure that one out. And I still battle it to this day. But God made you BEAUTIFUL! No matter what.

Dying on the Inside

Today I found out that an old friend of mine died. And now I can't function. I shouldn't be this sad. I mean we were only halfway close for a year or two and then he moved away. I haven't seen him in at least a year. I thought he was still living in Colorado. But no. He's dead. And I shouldn't be this sad but I am.

Right now I am praying that Bryce (that was his name) is in heaven with Jesus. I know that is a silly thing to pray after someone has died but I honestly don't know about him. He could have gone either way. So I pray for the past as the only way I can deal with this.

I have always been a crier. Someone I had never met but I was aquatenses with his younger brother died in my old school and I just sat in the library all day and cried. But now I know him... and right now I can't function.

And the silly thing is that the only thing that is sticking in my head right now are the times when Bryce tried to light my car on fire in the McDonalds drive through after youth group and the time we had the superbowl party at my house and I had him convinced that my motion activated light was only turned on when I snapped my fingers. (He was too short to make it go)

So right now I don't know what I feel or why I am writing this blog. But I can't deal with it right now. I have no right to be sad, no right to be angry, no right to shut down; but I am. And that just makes me sadder, angrier, and shut down more. And I don't know what to do.

This is me

Right now I want to start with a story. The story of a liar. The story of a sad little girl who had so many differenet lies. Each morning she would go to her closet and chose which suit of lies to wear that morning. Each was very well constructed and portrayed a differnt person who she wanted to be. Some days she would go to church and put on her best christian lie. Some days she would go on a date and put on her most beautiful lie. Sometimes she would put on her drinking lie. Sometiems she would find a situation that required her to make a new lie. Beautiful or ugly, she had thousands of lies. She once had a real suit. A suit known as herself. It was real, authentic and raw. She loved that suit. But over time it became not good enough. And she found that she could construct other suits if she would just cut a little bit out of her real suit to make them believeable. Soon her real suit was gone. Thousands of little peices in thousands of lies, and the sad part was; she didn't even know which peice of the lie suits was the real peice anymore.

That poor little girl with the lie suits became so confused. She didn't know what was real anymore. Everything just seemed like a dream. Which part of her identities was real? Was she now free to chose her own reality? No, because that would just be another lie. She even tried to make a new lie suit called "The Real" lie. But it only left her more hurt and confused. Nothing was real. Nothing mattered.

This little girl is me.

But last weekend in Wyoming, God called me out. He gathered me into his arms and said, "No more lying. I made you, not the lie you want to be. And I love you, not some lie."

Soon the little girl's father came into her room. He saw what she had done with the beautiful suit he had given her. He was so sad to see what she had done, but not at all angry. He was so sad to see his little girl so hurt and confused, wearing her "The Real" lie suit and crying for reality. He looked into her closet and could see each and every lie, but he could also see each and ever bit of truth sticking out of the lies. He could see the reality that the little girl had fogotten.

The little girl cowered in sight of him. She was so afraid. She had let down her father who had made a beautiful suti for her. She hadn't been satisfied. Other girl's would damage thier father's suits as well. They would go out and play in the mud, but stains can be washed. Can broken peices be made whole again? She didn't know and she saw the sadness in her father's eyes as he approached her.

But something happened that surprised this little girl. Her father took his strong arms and picked her up. He lifted her up to his face and kissed her head gently. He cradled her in his arms and said that he loved her. But he also looked her squarley in the eye. He said that she must take off her lie suit and hand every lie she had ever made over to him. She didn't know what to do. She cried out to him, "What then shall I wear?" for she had desicrated what he had given to her. She had ruined everything. She didn't even have a reality anymore to clothe herself in. She would be completley empty.

Her father looked at her and smiled. "Me." He replied. "Baby girl, you will wear Me." He handed her a bright new crisply white dress, decorated with all of the flowers of the feild. There was no past, real or false in this new garment. She was simply clothed in him.

And this is where I am. Clothed only in Christ. I have no sense of past. I have no idea if something really happened or not. I am like someone waking up from a coma, not yet able to distinguish thier dreams from reality. But God will restore. So here I am.

For all of you who are reading this blog; either you have stumbled across this by random fate (which is obviously God's will and you are welcome to keep reading) or I have invited you because I trust you and am willing to be 100% real with you. This blog is complete 100% uncensored me.

Because this little girl still just wants to make people happy. And every moment she is tempted to take this new garment the father has given her and mix it with so many falsities. Because she doesn't know who she is, and is trying to find out. But the Father is simple telling her to find herself in Him, and to seek Him, no matter what the world says.

So while I may post in weird allegories (stories) like this little girl (simply because I don't have the words, courage, or strength to say it any other way) if I have trusted you to read this, you should feel privelegded. In no way are you required to read this, in fact please feel free to pass it by. But I need people to keep me acountable, to encourage me, and to help me discover who I am in Christ.

God restored me last weekend and I pray that I don't screw it up.

So this is me. Authentic with NO more pretending. And this is God. with LOVE that trancends all bounds.