Genuine

Here is the truth... I'm a jerk. And I'm ok with that.

I am sick of people trying to change me. And I am sick of trying to change for people.

Now before any of you throw God at me, please remember, I am not saying I don't want God to change me.

I have come to the realization that yes, God is changing me every day to be more like Him. But that we are not all meant to be clones of each other. We all have different personalities and different traits and that's what makes us special.

I have come to realize that I'm not Holly Housewife. And I am not the ghetto street chick. I'm not goody two shoes church girl and I'm not the loner who sits in the corner.

I'm just me. And I have my days, just like anyone else.

I have a unique story. A unique history. Unique traits and unique expeiriences.
I don't need to be just like you.

It's what we've been through that make us who we are. The good times and bad.

So love me for my past, love me for my future, love me for what has happened, love me for what will happen, love me for my mistakes, love me for the wonderful achievements, love me for where I've been, love me for where I will go.

I was goign to post the lyrics from "Who will love me for me?" by JJ Heller but then I realized that in one line it says who will love me... "Not for what I have done or what I will become". But I want more than that. I want someone who loves me for what I have done, good and bad. And what I will become. Love me for the times I am crying in my closest, praying to God for a single ounce of hope, and love me for the times I am standing on stage proclaiming God's love and glory to a body of believers. Love me when I am fat. Love me when I am skinny. Love me when I look like crap. Love me when I look gorgeous.

Because I have a secret for you: All of this is what makes me, me.

If you want to befriend a cardboard cut out, someone with out hurt of pain, you should go do that.

If you want to befriend someone broken and hopeless, you should do that too.

But neither of those are me.

I have bad days, good days, a history dotted with tears and with smiles, with blood stains, and radiant sun.

And you do to.
So stop trying to be who you're not. If you'll be real with me, I'll be real with you.

Cause it's where we've been, the choices we've made, the good, the bad, and where we're going that makes us who we are.

And the strange thing is... with all that in mind. The tattered tapestry of life with all the good and bad... God still loves you. God still chose you. God still has a plan for you. God sees all of that and doesn't think of something bad, he sees a lost lamb, who He loves. A little lamb who He loves enough to leave 99 others to just search for you.

God knows you, and He loves you.
God knows me, and He loves me.
He doesn't love me for what I could be, but for who I am.
And He uses me.

Handing it over

Some nights it hurts to remember. It hurts to remember the trials we have gone through, the loss that we face, the fact that every moment there are problems that are hard to face. Facing death, facing the worst. It hurts and can drag you down.

But here is the truth. We don't have to carry our burdens.

Cause the truth is, they aren't ours to carry.

We can't be afraid of losing people because they were never ours to have.

You can't not forgive someone because they didn't give you anything you didn't deserve.

You deserve pain, and ultimately death.

That is the state we are in.

But someone died to give you life.

He died so he could carry your burdens.

He died to give us life, to give us what we don't deserve, because he loves us.

I was going to try to say something inspirational or something to end this but I think the hymnwriter does it better.

"What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and needs to bear, what a privelidge to carry, everything to God in prayer. Oh what peace we often forfit, oh what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer."

Purpose

" Look at your life and see how you have filled it's emptiness up with people. As a result they have a stronghold on you. see how they conrol your behavior by thier approval or disapproval. They hold the power to ease your loneliness with thier company, to send your spirits soaring with thier praise, to bring you down to the depth with thier critisim and rejection. take a look at yourself spending almost every waking moment of your day placating and pleasing people, whether they are living or dead. You live by thier norms, conform to thier standards, seek thier company, desire thier love, dread thier ridicule, long for thier applause, meekly submist to the guilt they lay upon you; you are terrified to go against the fashion in the way you dress or speak or act or even think." ~I forgot who wrote this but it was an awesome book.

Today I got to have a good long talk with my best friend. We are both pretty much at a point in our lives where the future lies before us. And we were talking about how we don't know how much longer God is going to keep us in this area. And the truth is I have known this for a long time. I have known that where I am now is a good thing, but I know that God doesn't want me here for long. It has become clearly evidant to me. I have have come to realize that the only thing that is keeping me here is people.

People hold so much power over us it's not even funny. We don't want to be separated from those we love, we don't want to be near those we hate, we would do anything to keep them happy. But that's not what any of it's about. I knew about halfway through last semester that God did not want me to stay in Springville with my family. God wanted me to break away from them no matter how much I love them and to trust Him. So my next step was to hold on to all my friends by moving to Ephraim. But it has become evident that while God is allowing me a beautiful time of transition, this is NOT where He wants me. And I need to be ready to just trust Him WHEREVER He leads me.

I told my friend tonight that I was just afraid to go somewhere alone. But honestly, I will never be alone. God is always with me, and I hear Him calling to me telling me to come along with Him for this ride. It's not going to be easy. There will be tears and so much more but I need time to simply grow in HIM. God has a purpose for my life. I have recenlty read excerpts from the book "Just Do Something" which seems to be about just doing something as long as it is good. But I am not sure I buy that. I believe that God has a major plan for my life and while I believe He is going to use every little thing that happens along the way, He has a masterpeice in mind. And I am going to seek that with all of my heart. I may stumble along the way but God has a plan for each moment of myl ife and I know that there is some reason I am going in to all of this.

So I have decided to not let people consume my life. Dearest friend and family, I love you. I love you with all my heart and can not think of what my life would be without you. God has placed you in my life for a reason and I thank Him every day for that. But I am not going to stay here for you any longer. That doesn't mean that I won't stay here, but I need to stop staying because I am afraid of losing you. You were never mine in the first place. And God provided for me beyond my wildest imagination when I left Massachusetts to move to Utah so why wouldn't He do that again. I love you guys but I am ready to start the wildest ride of my life, a ride full of ups and downs and twists and turns and I will always love and want to connect with you but the only person I should have roots in is Jesus Christ, my maker and king. The one who gives and takes away. The one who pours down blessings. So I'm starting this ride. NO idea where it will take me. But I'm ready to start.

I want to end with some lines from a kids song but it really makes sense here:
"I am off on the ultimate adventure. Trusting Jesus all along the way. To the truth of God's word I will surrender, as I follow Him each and every day. Over sky, under sea, in the wild, Christ with me. Here at home, around the world, His love is clear to see. Won't you come along with me on the ultimate adventure. I will train for the mission he has for me. I will trust in HIm to give the victory. As I read His word and pray He gives direction, no matter where I am from day to day. Over sky, under sea in the wild Christ with me. Here at home, around the world, His love is clear to see. Won't you come along with me on the Ultimate Adventure!"

Whatever you're doing...

"Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see but I'm giving in to something heavenly." ~ Sanctus Real

The past 13 days have been a wild roller coaster ride. 2011 has been basically the longest year of my life and it's only January 13th. The new year started out with my lowest of lows and I've already had some pretty great highs. God is working in me and hopefully through me like crazy. At the new year I was down to nothing spiritually, and last night I was asked to play a song I wrote about God's love for a group of missionaries from Biola University and everyone loved it and I was told that it resignated in several hearts. I've been able to do things like I've never imagined and I have been able to touch lives.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I just know that this junk is blowing my mind.

If I let you reach me, wIll you teach me?

Praise God for his infinate goodniess and knowlegde wich exceeds anything I could ever think.

Each of us has a story. It is filled with pain, joys, smiles, and tears. It all winds together in a unique tapestry. But never forget about the promise God makes us, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~ Romas 8:28

Not only does God promise us good, but He promises thata we are chosen according to HIS PURPOSE! How amazing is that! God wants to take us, with our messed up crap and make a beautiful story out of it. Don't believe me, let's look at the life of the man who is best known for being a man after God's own heart; David.

David was just a little sheperd boy. He was the youngest in his family which pretty much meant that he had the least hopes out of anyone to become something. He sat with sheep in a feild which is pretty much the equivilent to the guy who cleans the portapotties. But that scrawny kid is the one who saved the isrealites from the philistine army. Not because of anything he was or did, but because he loved God and let Him work. This boy became king as well. It wasn't easy. He was almost killed several times and spent much of his young adulthood running for his life. The best part is, when he fianally became king he was still a major screw up! He peeped on a chick getting dressed, stole her from her house, slept with her, and then when he found out she was pregnant, he KILLED her husband. And yeah, God dealt with the sin. But David is still held as a man of God. Read through the psalms and you'll see what I mean. He laments, he praises, any sane person would think he is bipolar. But THAT is who GOD promises to use. Those of us who have no hope. God doesn't take an exalted person and exalt them more, but He does take the broken and lift them up, so HE ONLY gets the glory.

Watch this video if you haven't already. Look at the life of Jospeh. Joseph was an obnoxious little kid. He was daddy's favorite and all of his brothers knew it. They resented them so much they wanted to kill him! Instead they threw him in a pit and then sold him into slavery. After that he thought life was going to get better, he had a pretty cushy slave job and was earning favor with Potifer. But then Potifer's wife went all pyscho lustful and accused to poor guy of rape. He got thrown in jail to rot for life. It wasn't till God gave him the ability to interpret dreams that things started to get better. That's the point in the story where the above video comes in. But after he is taken out of jail, and offered the position of the second in command of Egypt which ended up saving the lives of not only the Egyptions but also the lives of his family who later bow down before his feet.

In ending.... God knows WAY better than we ever will. And there is a nothing we can do to help God out and nothing we can do to screw God up.