I believe we are all familiar with the song Only Hope. If not think Mandy Moore and A Walk to Remember. Coming back to you?
It is one of the most beautiful songs ever. However this song was originally done and written by the band Switch foot which is known for their distinctively christian lyrics. I looked up the original lyrics to this song (only one word was changed, but it makes all the difference)and they were amazingly deep. Here the link to hear if you'd like to look:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls5HVpAn9AE
Apathy... look it up
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
My Music
www.myspace.com/torriegan
That is the link to my music site. I finally recorded all of my decent songs and put them on a website. Check it out :)
That is the link to my music site. I finally recorded all of my decent songs and put them on a website. Check it out :)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Remember
Wrote a new song....
You probably won't like it but this is my blog so... yeah.
Here it is: (if you want to hear it... ask)
Do you remember when your eyes caught mine
Do you remember when you said you loved me
Do you remember when you'd hold me safe at night
And say, You'll never leave me
I gave you all my heart, you said you loved me
I gave you everything, you said you'd hold me till the end
You said you'd never leave me
So why did you leave me?
Do you remember when a promise was forever
Do you remember when I was beautiful
Do you remember when you'd put your arms around me
And say, You'd never leave me
I gave you all my heart, you said you loved me
I gave you everything, you said you'd hold me till the end
You said you'd never leave me
So why did you leave me?
Why did you leave me?
Did it hurt you to walk away?
You probably won't like it but this is my blog so... yeah.
Here it is: (if you want to hear it... ask)
Do you remember when your eyes caught mine
Do you remember when you said you loved me
Do you remember when you'd hold me safe at night
And say, You'll never leave me
I gave you all my heart, you said you loved me
I gave you everything, you said you'd hold me till the end
You said you'd never leave me
So why did you leave me?
Do you remember when a promise was forever
Do you remember when I was beautiful
Do you remember when you'd put your arms around me
And say, You'd never leave me
I gave you all my heart, you said you loved me
I gave you everything, you said you'd hold me till the end
You said you'd never leave me
So why did you leave me?
Why did you leave me?
Did it hurt you to walk away?
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Loving on Purpose
Almost a year later, I finally get it. :) This website came up on facebook:
http://dtr.lovingonpurpose.com/
It was meant for young adults who are either in relationships or who are preparing to be in them. As I was reading through the introduction one sentence struck me, it was that this series is meant to impart COURAGE. Courage to either move forward in a relationship or the courage to walk away. And it was the courage to walk away part that really stuck with me.
Last year I was obsessed with being in a relationship. I wanted to just be with someone for the popularity, security, and friendship it brought. But there was no future for it. It was just for fun. I didn't realize that in every aspect of every relationship (with family, freinds, ect) you share a little bit of yourself. In order for a relationshp to grow you have to share more and more. Sharing your hopes, dreams, veiws about God, time together, ect. But you share peices of yourself. And if you aren't careful you can end up in a place that is not a good place for you to be.
Last school year / summer I had a friendshp with a guy that was growing very fast. We clicked very well and had some great times together.But I was completely unaware. Before I knew it I found us very close and in a place emotionally where I was not prepared to be. I was young, and I wanted a relationship for all of the wrong reasons. However, I wasn't the one to realize this. The friend of mine who was equally as young was the one to realize that this was not a good place for us to be. I can't tell you what he was thinking but I am assuming that somewhere in that line it took him a lot of courage. Even if it was only because I was just a little emotionally unstable at the time. But it was a very good decision.
This brings me to the title, loving on purpose. Maybe it is just because I am geting older and begining to understand life better but I know that for most of my life I didn't love on purpose. I loved because it was what everyone else was doing, because it gave you a social status, because it felt right; But I was not looking at it as what God designed any sort of community for. God wants us to be able to expeirience his love and qualties in the community of frienships and relationships. And the idea of loving on purpose, the purpose that God designed is so freeing.
http://dtr.lovingonpurpose.com/
It was meant for young adults who are either in relationships or who are preparing to be in them. As I was reading through the introduction one sentence struck me, it was that this series is meant to impart COURAGE. Courage to either move forward in a relationship or the courage to walk away. And it was the courage to walk away part that really stuck with me.
Last year I was obsessed with being in a relationship. I wanted to just be with someone for the popularity, security, and friendship it brought. But there was no future for it. It was just for fun. I didn't realize that in every aspect of every relationship (with family, freinds, ect) you share a little bit of yourself. In order for a relationshp to grow you have to share more and more. Sharing your hopes, dreams, veiws about God, time together, ect. But you share peices of yourself. And if you aren't careful you can end up in a place that is not a good place for you to be.
Last school year / summer I had a friendshp with a guy that was growing very fast. We clicked very well and had some great times together.But I was completely unaware. Before I knew it I found us very close and in a place emotionally where I was not prepared to be. I was young, and I wanted a relationship for all of the wrong reasons. However, I wasn't the one to realize this. The friend of mine who was equally as young was the one to realize that this was not a good place for us to be. I can't tell you what he was thinking but I am assuming that somewhere in that line it took him a lot of courage. Even if it was only because I was just a little emotionally unstable at the time. But it was a very good decision.
This brings me to the title, loving on purpose. Maybe it is just because I am geting older and begining to understand life better but I know that for most of my life I didn't love on purpose. I loved because it was what everyone else was doing, because it gave you a social status, because it felt right; But I was not looking at it as what God designed any sort of community for. God wants us to be able to expeirience his love and qualties in the community of frienships and relationships. And the idea of loving on purpose, the purpose that God designed is so freeing.
You never know what you've got till it's gone
This summer I kept a detailed journal from graduation day until mid August. I love looking back at old diaries and figuring out what my life was like at a certain point in time. As I was looking through I realized that I had a very interesting relationship with a friend. Let me share with you one of the entries.
• 06/19/10 – Saturday: After a long night of tossing and turning on the tent floor,(I was camping with some friends at the time) I wake up and pack up to leave. After I’m packed up I eat breakfast and head out to go rafting. When we start out rafting I am sharing a boat with Zac (my little brother). For the first four hours we float down the river having fun and Zac and I have a blast. We stop for lunch and Zac, Daniel and I play in the water. It was great. We loaded back up and stopped after an hour or so to try to find petro glyphs. We failed, but it was a nice little river walk. Then Daniel tells Zac he wants to switch boats with him so that he can spend more time with me. It’s cute. Daniel and I take off down the river. We have many adventures over the next six hours including getting lost, having the boat get a hole in it, swimming down the river, getting scraped up and bruised from the rocks in the river, and just goofing off together. By the end I am so tired and cold and hurt. (I got a really bad burn on my leg that I had to take intense medicine for for a couple of weeks afterwards. Almost a year later I have three scars from that day) Daniel says nice stuff about me being cute and pretty. When we FINALLY get out of the river we pile into the mini-van so we can shuttle us back to the two cars. Daniel, Zac and I are squished in the back. My hip is bruised so it hurts so badly. Daniel puts his arm around me and tells me it will be ok. The pain gets worse so I lean into his bare chest and he kisses my head. I turn away to the window to ease the pain and he rubs my back. We ride the long way home and after apologizing for not sitting in the back with me he gives me a hug, kisses my head, and says that he loves me. We get back to mount and I drive home. He texts me good night and says that he loves me.
Honestly, it wasn't until I read that and other entries like it from the summer that I realized just how close I was with him. I mean I was obviously crushing as you can tell from the twist on this entry but I never realized how special our relationship was, even if neither of us really meant for it to be. And now to the title of this post; "You never know what you've got till it's gone" Daniel and I are still close friends but our relationship is VERY different than it was during this blog post. And I never realized how special it really was until well, it's gone. But I know that when God closes one door he opens another. God used a special time in my life to open me up to people and to show me important things about myself. While I loved that time in my life and miss it with all my heart, if that's not what God has for me than that is not what God has for me. The fact is that God has something great in store for me and I just get to wait to find out about it. But I do miss one of the best times of my life. You never fully know what you had until it's gone.
• 06/19/10 – Saturday: After a long night of tossing and turning on the tent floor,(I was camping with some friends at the time) I wake up and pack up to leave. After I’m packed up I eat breakfast and head out to go rafting. When we start out rafting I am sharing a boat with Zac (my little brother). For the first four hours we float down the river having fun and Zac and I have a blast. We stop for lunch and Zac, Daniel and I play in the water. It was great. We loaded back up and stopped after an hour or so to try to find petro glyphs. We failed, but it was a nice little river walk. Then Daniel tells Zac he wants to switch boats with him so that he can spend more time with me. It’s cute. Daniel and I take off down the river. We have many adventures over the next six hours including getting lost, having the boat get a hole in it, swimming down the river, getting scraped up and bruised from the rocks in the river, and just goofing off together. By the end I am so tired and cold and hurt. (I got a really bad burn on my leg that I had to take intense medicine for for a couple of weeks afterwards. Almost a year later I have three scars from that day) Daniel says nice stuff about me being cute and pretty. When we FINALLY get out of the river we pile into the mini-van so we can shuttle us back to the two cars. Daniel, Zac and I are squished in the back. My hip is bruised so it hurts so badly. Daniel puts his arm around me and tells me it will be ok. The pain gets worse so I lean into his bare chest and he kisses my head. I turn away to the window to ease the pain and he rubs my back. We ride the long way home and after apologizing for not sitting in the back with me he gives me a hug, kisses my head, and says that he loves me. We get back to mount and I drive home. He texts me good night and says that he loves me.
Honestly, it wasn't until I read that and other entries like it from the summer that I realized just how close I was with him. I mean I was obviously crushing as you can tell from the twist on this entry but I never realized how special our relationship was, even if neither of us really meant for it to be. And now to the title of this post; "You never know what you've got till it's gone" Daniel and I are still close friends but our relationship is VERY different than it was during this blog post. And I never realized how special it really was until well, it's gone. But I know that when God closes one door he opens another. God used a special time in my life to open me up to people and to show me important things about myself. While I loved that time in my life and miss it with all my heart, if that's not what God has for me than that is not what God has for me. The fact is that God has something great in store for me and I just get to wait to find out about it. But I do miss one of the best times of my life. You never fully know what you had until it's gone.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Bathsheba's Side of the Story
I bet if Bathsheba were to read through the story of David in the bible she would be a little bit more than pissed off the entire time. Not because of the stories, but because of what that guy did to her. I mean this is the scum of a man who went all peeping tom on her then decided he was going to sleep with her whether she liked it or not. He got her pregnant and tried like crazy to cover it up. He forbid her from telling her husband the truth. Then after he couldn't cover it up any other way he killed her husband. He killed the man she loved. Then he added her to his arsenal of wives and because of his terrible act, her child had to be killed. And yet this guy who I am sure at some point she had to despise is at the core of the Bible. He is even called a man after God's own heart. But I don't know about you but looking at that I and I am gussing Bathsheba had a pretty hard time calling someone who would do those thigns a man. I mean David didn't even apologize to her. And even if he had that is a serious load of emotional trauma that poor girl is stuck with. How could God still be with this guy? And how could God really care about Bathsheba and love David at the same time? Maybe she just wasn't worth as much? So I am digging into God's word to find answers. Does God care about what she went through? Does God value her? I am honestly quite conflicted and need scriptural and historical fact to solve this.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Sacrifice
It is so hard for me to envision what Christ did for us. It is so hard for me to grap even the thought of an average person sacrificin anything for anyone else. But recently God has shown me his heart in men that I admire. He is showing me in the smallest way what it looks like to give your life for something.
Three men come to my mind when I think about this, the first is the husband of one of my mother's friends. My mom's friend Jessica* found herself seriously dating one guy and sleeping with another. She was in her early twenties and made some mistakes. However when she decided to stop sleeping with the other guy and confess it all, she found herself pregnant. She was not going to abort this baby due to the fact that her mother almost aborted her and her religious convictions. However she was stuck.
I had always thought about this story from her perspective, but never from that of her husband. Honestly, what woudl you do? You are a male in his early to mid twenties, a good christian guy who has been seriously dating this girl whom you love. You not only find out that she has been cheating on you, but she is pregnant with another man's baby. you have been waiting, taking things slowly, and eventually wanted to have your own family with this girl. What would you do? I would expect most guys to simply leave. After all, she cheated on you. And you have no reason to give up your life to raise a baby you had no part in. But that is not what this guy did.
He married her. they were soon married and he was there as she gave birth to the baby and he has been there for all of the baby girl's life. He raised her as her own and now she is in her teenage years and he is the only father she has ever known and he loves her just like his own. Even though they had a rough start, he gave his life to these two girls. But that wasn't where the hardship ended. When they were finally able to have thier own child a few years later, thier son was born with several problems which required LONG surgeries, extensive time in the Nicu and a very lowly predicted life expentency. And even if he lived it would be endless doctor's visits, and never walking, and nothing good could come of it. I woudl think that after that time this poor man would just give up. But He didn't. He trusted God for the outcome and gave of himself. Several years later this boy is in his young teenage years, walking, still small with some health issues, but he is doing things just like a normal boy. Praise God that thier third child was a beautiful and healthy girl. I have often thought about this family as one that I admire but I had never thought about it from his perspective. And I really admire him.
Another man I think of who has given his life for his family is a friend of mine's dad. While he had a great start, marrying the girl of his dreams and having three beautiful children together, with the first two even being twins. However there was a cog thrown into the game. Thier fourth child was born with Downs Syndrome. I know so many guys who would have just left there. Or tried to put the child in a home, or something. But he didn't. He loved this child and that little boy is one of the sweetest people I know. But that wasn't the hardest thing for this family. More recently this man's wife was diagnosed with cancer and cofined to a wheelchair because of it. I know a lot of people who might have left at this point. Or atleast resented having to take care of her. But he didn't. His love for her is stronger than ever. He does everything he can to care for her and work to provide for thier family.
The third man I think of is another one of my friend's fathers. He married a woman who already had two children, stuck with her while her children were in and out of drug addictions and jail, he stuck with her through her mental illness. He is a strong man who gave his life for his family and for the woman he loved.
While none of these men are perfect I believe they honestly portray the verse where it says husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. This love is seen often in women but far too rarely in men. But I see these sacrifices and this love that they have and I have hope. And I am able to see a simple picture of how Christ cares for me. No matter what I do, no matter what happens, he doesn't leave and he gives his life for me.
Three men come to my mind when I think about this, the first is the husband of one of my mother's friends. My mom's friend Jessica* found herself seriously dating one guy and sleeping with another. She was in her early twenties and made some mistakes. However when she decided to stop sleeping with the other guy and confess it all, she found herself pregnant. She was not going to abort this baby due to the fact that her mother almost aborted her and her religious convictions. However she was stuck.
I had always thought about this story from her perspective, but never from that of her husband. Honestly, what woudl you do? You are a male in his early to mid twenties, a good christian guy who has been seriously dating this girl whom you love. You not only find out that she has been cheating on you, but she is pregnant with another man's baby. you have been waiting, taking things slowly, and eventually wanted to have your own family with this girl. What would you do? I would expect most guys to simply leave. After all, she cheated on you. And you have no reason to give up your life to raise a baby you had no part in. But that is not what this guy did.
He married her. they were soon married and he was there as she gave birth to the baby and he has been there for all of the baby girl's life. He raised her as her own and now she is in her teenage years and he is the only father she has ever known and he loves her just like his own. Even though they had a rough start, he gave his life to these two girls. But that wasn't where the hardship ended. When they were finally able to have thier own child a few years later, thier son was born with several problems which required LONG surgeries, extensive time in the Nicu and a very lowly predicted life expentency. And even if he lived it would be endless doctor's visits, and never walking, and nothing good could come of it. I woudl think that after that time this poor man would just give up. But He didn't. He trusted God for the outcome and gave of himself. Several years later this boy is in his young teenage years, walking, still small with some health issues, but he is doing things just like a normal boy. Praise God that thier third child was a beautiful and healthy girl. I have often thought about this family as one that I admire but I had never thought about it from his perspective. And I really admire him.
Another man I think of who has given his life for his family is a friend of mine's dad. While he had a great start, marrying the girl of his dreams and having three beautiful children together, with the first two even being twins. However there was a cog thrown into the game. Thier fourth child was born with Downs Syndrome. I know so many guys who would have just left there. Or tried to put the child in a home, or something. But he didn't. He loved this child and that little boy is one of the sweetest people I know. But that wasn't the hardest thing for this family. More recently this man's wife was diagnosed with cancer and cofined to a wheelchair because of it. I know a lot of people who might have left at this point. Or atleast resented having to take care of her. But he didn't. His love for her is stronger than ever. He does everything he can to care for her and work to provide for thier family.
The third man I think of is another one of my friend's fathers. He married a woman who already had two children, stuck with her while her children were in and out of drug addictions and jail, he stuck with her through her mental illness. He is a strong man who gave his life for his family and for the woman he loved.
While none of these men are perfect I believe they honestly portray the verse where it says husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. This love is seen often in women but far too rarely in men. But I see these sacrifices and this love that they have and I have hope. And I am able to see a simple picture of how Christ cares for me. No matter what I do, no matter what happens, he doesn't leave and he gives his life for me.
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